I was informed by a couple people that my blog yesterday sounded a little hostile. It was supposed to be funny(ish). Eh. You win some, you lose some.
The misunderstanding made me think and look over recent blogs. Much to my surprise, I got the whiny-complainy vibe a lot and that's certainly not what I intended. With that being said, it's still my blog and it's what I want it to be. Beyond that, I hope it's something that other people enjoy. But like I said, you win some, you lose some.
Today, I'm not whinin' or complainin'. I'm gonna be thankful, because I have a lot to be thankful for.
I guess unplanned pregnancies are always going to knock the knocked-up person's socks off, but unplanned doesn't mean unwanted. Initially, I was terrified. I was scrambling around so hard to get my socks back on that I didn't even see the beauty in the timing for awhile. If ever in my life I was going to have an unplanned pregnancy, this is the time. Other alternatives would have been when I was 19...definitely wasn't ready then. Or when I was in college...there's a good chance I wouldn't have graduated. Or right after we got married...we'd been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 years when we got married. We needed that time to spend alone. We took a few vacations. Bought a house. I finished school. The timing of our first baby was just right.
When I got pregnant this time, we knew we wanted to have another baby (at some point). I'm glad that we hadn't decided we were done when I got knocked up. With Theo, it took us a while to commit to the idea of having a baby. It was hard to say "now's the time," because we knew that everything would change. We didn't have a clue what it would feel or look like, other than it wouldn't be just the two of us anymore. The same goes with baby number two...I think we would've had a hard time saying "now's the time." We're comfortable as a family of three. Theo has certainly changed our lives, but life is manageable with one baby. It's fun. Life has a whole new purpose. We learn as he learns. Experiencing every first with him and through him is amazing. It might have taken a long time to switch focus. We might have stressed over whether Theo was ready or the right age, etc.
All of that is great, but there's a bigger bonus.
I. Got. Pregnant. Without even trying. Hello? If that means nothing to you, you must not know anyone who had to try to get pregnant. It's something easily taken for granted until it doesn't happen. I, for one, know to some extent how lucky that makes me. It wasn't as easy with Theo. There were months of hopes and wishes followed by disappointment and heartbreak. And we were still within the normal range for how long it takes for most couples to conceive. I can't imagine trying for years without success. I don't think I could do it. It's too emotionally draining when it's all you want. With this baby, I never had to wait and hope and wish. It was a gift that was handed to me unexpectedly.
I was lucky to get pregnant without trying this time...what's more is that I've managed to stay pregnant thus far. While I am thankful I have never had the misfortune of experiencing a pregnancy loss, I've had enough people who are close to me go through it to know that it's more than just a pregnancy loss. It's the loss of a child. The loss of hopes and dreams and a person you've already come to love. I won't pretend to know how it feels to lose a baby, but I know how helpless I've felt as I watched when people I care about deeply have gone through it.
I know I whine and complain a lot about being pregnant. That's the nature of the beast. But it doesn't make me love the fact that I am pregnant right now, that I could get pregnant, or that I'm still pregnant any less. It doesn't mean that I will value or appreciate the familiarity and the uniqueness of this precious child any less. I can't wait to watch my kids grow up together. It's my (and every parent's) wish that they will be the best of friends. I expect them to fight. I will probably complain about it a lot, but it would be unrealistic to expect otherwise. At the end of the day, at the end of vacation, at the end of elementary school and high school and graduate school (if they choose to go)...at the end of their 20s and 50s and 80s, I hope they are still the best of friends.
Now that I'm a mom, it doesn't take much to make me happy. I'm happy when my kid goes to bed easy. I'm happy when he loves a new toy. I'm happy when he takes a step or gets a tooth or smiles at me. I'm happy that he has feet to walk on and arms to hug with. I'm overjoyed that he's still here with me, so full of life, and that I've had the chance to know him for almost a year. I love every second of being his mommy and I can't wait to multiply that by 2.
No sarcasm here today. Just gratitude and honesty.