Monday, January 28, 2013

most embarrassing moment #5156

Picture it.  Sunday after Thanksgiving 2012 around 1600 hours Eastern Standard Time. 

Me behind the steering wheel in the middle of standstill traffic, about 3 hours after a long lunch and at least 5 glasses of sweet tea at Buffalo Wild Wings.  That spicy salad really was spicy and it made me really thirsty.  Theo was asleep, but woke suddenly, maybe due to the sudden lack of motion.  For some reason, this translated into him screaming at the top of his lungs for no known reason over the course of the next 15 minutes (that felt like 521 minutes). 

Interstate traffic + me = anxiety. 
Screaming toddler that can't be reasoned with + exploding bladder = nerves beyond their breaking point.

Anxiety + Frayed Nerves = Complete & Total Meltdown.

I screamed at Theo while he was screaming, just to be louder than him in irrational hopes that he would hear me.  I screamed to let off some of the tension that had been ballooning up inside like, well, my bladder.

Eventually Theo stopped screaming.  My bladder did not.  I begged Ryan for some kind of help. Some promise of relief.  Of course there was nothing he could do.  I threw that Highlander in park and climbed in the backseat, where the windows are tinted ever so slightly darker than the front.  I discreetly grabbed Theo's Mickey Mouse sippy cup and twisted that lid off at lightning speed.  I pulled my pants down and relieved myself in his cup.  All while avoiding eye contact with either of my children out of humiliation. 

Problem.

Those cups aren't very big and certainly don't hold 5 glasses of sweet tea, regardless of how much ice was in those cups to begin with (tea always takes a lot of ice, you know?). There's this phenomenon of stopping and starting that I had to use and use well.  Long enough to hold this cup in position with one hand while getting a size 5 Luvs diaper out of the buried diaper bag with the other hand.  And yes, after conquering a mild to moderate case of stagefright, I finished the job in that baby diaper.

Never felt more relieved than I did at that moment.  All of the stress and tension of that traffic situation melted away immediately.  I situated myself and resumed my spot in the driver's seat.  All the while, Ryan was looking out the window with paranoia, and rightfully so, while saying things along the lines of:

Oh my god.
Are you serious?
I can't believe you're doing this.
Seriously?

Yes, seriously.  I sure did.  And that was that. Until the next day.

Picture it. The Monday after Thanksgiving 2012. 

On the way to the babysitter's house around 0730 hours Eastern Standard Time.

Theo: Mommy?
Me:  Yes, sweetie?
Theo:  Why did you pee in my Mickey Mouse sippy cup?
Me:  Thoughtful pause...I didn't.
Theo:  Yes, you did.
Me: No, I didn't.
Theo:  Yes, you did Mommy.  In the car yesterday.  You peed in my Mickey Mouse sippy cup.
Me:  Thoughtful pause, accept of defeat.  Oh.  That.  Well, you see, Theo.  Mommy had to pee really, really, really, really badly and there were no potties nearby.  All the cars on the road were stopped and there was nowhere for mommy to get out and use the bathroom.  So I had to find something I could potty in.
Theo:  But Mommy.  That was my cup and I really like my Mickey Mouse sippy cup.
Me: Yes, I know, honey.  I'm sorry.  We can get you a new cup.
Theo:  Thoughtful pause.  Mommy? 
Me:  Yes, Theo?
Theo:  I have a Mickey Mouse cup at {the babysitter}'s house.  Mickey's riding his bike and wearing a helmet and I really like that cup.
Me:  Oh?  That's good!
Theo:  Mommy, please don't pee in my Mickey Mouse sippy cup at {the babysitter}'s house. 

And at that moment, I knew our secret was not safe.  I knew that if I didn't tell the babyistter what had happened, Theo would tell some version of this story.  She wouldn't know if it was true. She would be confused. She might think I was making my child drink urine and report me to CPS.  I had to explain. 

Good morning, babysitter, let me tell you my most embarrassing story ever and get your week off to a hilarious start. 

It wasn't too funny then, but it's pretty funny now.  Darn kid is too smart for his (my) own good. 

xo,
~C~

34 comments:

  1. Thank you for my laugh today! If I had to do that I'm not sure I could admit it....but if it does, I'll remember the diaper trick.

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    1. Oh you know, I'm here for your amusement!

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  4. thank you for sharing that. I really needed that laugh!

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  5. Bahaha thanks for the laugh. Man I have thought about doing this but never had the "balls" to do it. Now that I'm doing home health care and pregnant there are days when I'm no where near a bathroom but feel like I am going to explode. Gah!

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    1. well I'm so glad that I sacrificed my dignity so everyone could have a chuckle today and last night! :) that's what I'm here for. My kids don't know (yet) that they have the most embarrassing mom ever, but hey. That's what this blog is for, right?

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  6. Now I've peed my pants. :) Thanks! I needed that!

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    1. Oh no problem. Too bad you didn't have a sippy cup or diaper handy.

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  7. This was hilarious. Great that Theo knew you peed in his cup and forced you to come clean to the baby sitter. Who needs dignity when you make the rest of us giggle??

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    1. Yes, yes. Because that's REALLY what it's all about!

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  8. That has to be the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time! I literally had tears rolling down my face, while my 3 year asking me what's so funny!
    I bow to you!!

    -Ellen

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    1. Oh sure...no problem. I love embarrassing myself!

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    2. It really takes a lot to make me actually laugh out loud! I shared this post with other bloggers I talk to. We are laughing with you, not at you!
      xoxo
      -Ellen

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    3. Well I certainly appreciate the share -- maybe someone will stick around for more fun stories. :)

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  9. I can totally relate to you. Last summer, I had a somewhat similar incident, except it was after a trip to Subway and my son was 13. He was pretty mortified and could not be convinced that I was even more so. He did keep my secret but then would start to threaten to tell people if I didn't give in to some want of his. So, I started leading conversations with his friends with "Hey, did (my son) ever tell you about the bathroom in the car incident after leaving Subway?" He never threatened me again!! Thanks for sharing - your recount was hysterical!!

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    1. Oh quick thinkin, mama! Hilarious!!

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  10. I haven't had to use a diaper but I DID use a training potty!!! We keep one in the back of our SUV for emergencies when we go on long trips... Who would guess that I would need it for an emergency!?!? :/

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    1. Gah, I'm glad I'm not the only one out there that has done something like this!

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  11. Oh my gosh, I'm dying right now. Such an amazing story. Just found your blog on Finding the Funny, love it! I'm in the midwest too, a bit north of the cities. Where are you? (...Or is that like really creepy to ask?..)

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  12. Just saw this from Beer & Babies and I totally did it too! Except I overflowed, and then filled a big cup. And I was in the car alone! Hahahaa!

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    1. So you didn't have your toddler telling the story to total strangers in the grocery store? Too bad!

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  13. Epic. I would love to share this in my Confessions series if you don''t mind. Email me if you are game.

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  14. I have tried this before, except in the backseat of my sedan and I missed and peed all over my jeans. At least you have aim, mama!

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    1. Good point. I do have THAT going for me!

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  15. Lmao I died from laughing. Then I remembered I've done the diaper deed myself.

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    1. Hey ... gotta do what you gotta do!

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  16. LMAO, glad I was not drinking coffee or my laptop would be a goner! thanx for sharing :) while I haven't had to pee in a sippy cup, motherhood has been one *fun* mishap after another.

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    1. Oh I don't remember... we're pretty close (see today's post!) so it wasn't too bad. :)

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