my big four year old boy

Dear Theo, 

My big four year old boy. 

Your birthday was yesterday and it was a fantastic day for you and our whole family.  Some of our dearest friends came over to celebrate you on your special day. 

Grammy and I were so busy getting ready for your party that I didn't spend much time thinking about life four years ago. I've done more of that today, the day after your birthday. I've been picturing your dad and I at the hospital, brand new parents to this brand new beautiful baby boy.  The entire four years have been an adventure. You've surprised us in small and huge ways along this path and I have no doubt that your journey from four to five will be just as remarkable.

Four!  Four sounds like such a long time.  High school lasts four years.  A bachelor's degree takes four years.  A presidential term is four years.  Olympics are every four years.  Many amazing things happen in increments of four years.  Four is officially a kid - there's nothing baby about you anymore.  You have been diaper free for months. You stopped sucking your thumb cold turkey, because you said it was time. You are starting to sound out letters.  You can dress yourself from head to toe.  You have manners and know how and when to use them (even if you don't sometimes). You love reading stories and playing games. You also enjoy watching movies at the theater and at home.  You've been to Disney World and bring up memories from our vacation often. Your favorite thing in the world is Legos.

You have a great appetite and enjoy a wide variety of healthy AND junk foods.  We call you "Green Eggs & Ham" sometimes because when you come to the table you often turn up your nose and say "I am NOT eating that!" But 9 times out of 10, within moments of trying the first bite, your plate is clean and you are saying "Mommy! Next time you make dinner, you should make this again!"  

You are creative and bright and bossy at times. Stubborn to a fault but you know exactly what you want. When you decide you are ready to do something, there's no going back. You are sweet and shy and unsure of yourself.  You love hugs and kisses and our goodnight routine.  You know you have our undivided attention and you like to draaaag that out as long as possible. But Theo? 

I will read the extra story. I will play the extra round of Curious George Matching or Sneaky Snacky Squirrel. I will get you one last sip of water.  I will sing the extra song. I will brush your teeth a little longer and hug you a little tighter. You're on your way to being five now.  BUT. That's okay - I'm all too aware that it won't always be like this. Today...for now, you're just four.  My little, big four year old boy.  And I'm gonna hold on tight and fly through this year right beside you. 

I love you so much. 

xo,

Mommy

Dear Dexter (2 year letter)

Dear Dexy,

Two years have whizzed by and here we are once again, celebrating another birthday.  You have been celebrating for a few days already and we've told you happy birthday so many times that you probably have no clue when your birthday really is.  We decided not to have a big party this year, just a few small gatherings with the people closest to our family.

Such a big kid now. 

Every time we drive past a playground, daycare, or elementary school, you shout "mommy, a playground! I wanna go there!"  You are noticing everything in your world and telling us about it. Your vocabulary and ability to initiate conversation has exploded in the last couple of months. I love being able to talk to you in the car about every little thing you see.  

You have boundless energy and enthusiasm for life.  You have started having the occasional tantrum but you don't hold a candle to your brother in that department. Yet.  Since you were tiny, you have always been this happy little guy.  Content. Laid back and happy to go with the flow.  It doesn't seem to bother you when your schedule changes. Without a nap, you become more hyper and less willing to listen to redirection but it doesn't ruin your day.  Like some people (no names!). 

You might end up being our little sports fanatic.  Just like daddy.  You have shown an interest in sports on t.v. and can identify most sports balls.  You taught yourself how to dribble a basketball and will spend lots of time outside in the driveway showing us and practicing.  You also love to just throw a ball.  Or bounce a ball. Or kick a ball. Or roll a ball.  I love that you have this interest because it's yours and yours alone. This is not something that you like because Theo does.  This is ALL YOU!  

You love mowing the grass!

  

You have such a fun, curious, and mischevious personality, but you also have such a sweet side.  You love coming into mommy & daddy's bed early in the morning and snuggling between us.  You'll say "I wanna sun-gull."  You love having someone gently tickle your back or belly.  You'll say "kickle my bell-dee!"  You love giving hugs and chisses and frequently ask for them.  You tell us all the time "I love and like you!"  Sweet, sweet, boy.  I love and like you too.  More than you'll ever know. 

You love to eat!  You are not picky about what you eat.  For almost as long as I can remember, you've been stubborn about feeding yourself.  We cleaned up a lot of messes because you started this at a very young age.  Apparently independence is wearing off because now you'll often ask for help with your spoon or help with your fork when it's too much trouble or effort for you.  You love meat, fruit, vegetables, cheese, sweets, and salty treats.  You're just an easy guy to please.

You and your brother are quite a silly pair together.  Sure, you push and shove and take things away from each other but often times, the best part of my day is watching you play together.  Offering to help your brother or accepting help from him.  You love each other.  One of my biggest hopes for you and Theo is that you'll always be close. That you'll always love, help, and support each other.  That you'll love each other's kids and be the coolest uncles and the best dads in town.  You've got a great role model. 

Dexter, your daddy and I cannot imagine life without you.  You are an incredible little boy!  I'm so proud to call you mine, even though I know you're not, really.  I'm just housing, loving, and teaching you until you are ready to take on the world. I'm honored to be your mom.  Two is going to be amazing!

all the hugs and kisses chisses you can handle,

Mommy

letters to Theo: you're three.

Theodore Jack,

It was right around Halloween of 2009 when we found out you were a boy.  Somehow, I knew it before the ultrasound tech told us. From that moment on, we started planning for our little boy's arrival, not knowing where this path would take us.

On March 8, 2010, you came into our world and life has never been the same.  It was the day you made me a mother.  When I  saw your face, I knew the name we picked out for you was perfect.  How is it possible that you just looked like a little Theo at birth?  After saying your name for several months, it was nice to put a face with the name and it felt entirely natural.

You. Brand new.

Here we are three years later, and I say your name countless times a day.  Sometimes out of love, sometimes out of frustration.  Most likely, out of admiration when I'm talking about you to someone else, which I do a lot.  Anyone who knows me knows that my family comes first.

One.

You've got a stubborn streak that I hear rivals your dad's when he was young.  You are increasingly independent and can carry on a conversation like you're grown.  You love cartoons and movies and would be just fine if we said you could do nothing but watch them for the rest of your life.  Too bad life's full of disappointments, kid.

Two.

Even through the challenges, I have loved having you at 2.  We have had a busy, fun year and you have grown in so many ways.  I realize all too well that you will never be this small again. We continue traveling furiously onward like a speeding train.  You're funny.  You're sweet.  You're clever.  I love hearing the things that you come up with.  You are discovering ways to manipulate situations.  You're reasoning.  You're thinking about options and alternatives before you speak sometimes.  It's amazing to observe you developing this way. Sometimes I don't know if I'm teaching you or if you're teaching me.

You sleep in your own big boy bed.  You wear underwears (except when you're asleep). You don't call them "underwears" anymore but I wish you did.  You lose little pieces of your baby self every day. I never correct you when you say cute things because I know you'll correct yourself soon enough.  You're adorable beyond words.  You make me swoon.  Just this week, you asked me to snuggle up with you early in the morning before you were ready to get out of bed.  I needed to go shower and when I tried to slip quietly out of your bed after you closed your eyes again, you put your hand on my forearm and whispered "I don't want you to go, mama."  Melted my heart.  You won.  I stayed for a little while longer, just rubbing your back, smelling your hair, and kissing your head.  I know these moments with you are fleeting.

You are a big brother.  You are not always nice to your little brother, but you always love him.  Seeing your face light up as you're playing together makes me smile.  I love watching you together. I love that you understand him when I don't.  I love that you can calm him down when he's upset.  I love that you two are starting to chat and have your own little conversations.  You are brothers.  I hope you'll always be close.

You are three.  Before you're four, you will ride in an airplane.  You'll visit Walt Disney World.  You'll have another Christmas at our home.  We'll celebrate Dexter's 2nd birthday.  We'll spend time with family and friends like we do every year. I don't know what else to expect for this year, but I know it will be amazing... I know that I'll be writing that you're four in the blink of an eye.  I don't want to miss it but I'm excited to grow as your mother as you grow into this little man.

Three.

You are so loved, son.  So, so loved.  You have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and countless other friends and relatives that love you.  You don't even realize how beautiful that is or how special you are.  I am humbled by the privilege and responsibility I was given to be your mother and raise you well.  I hope you think I'm doing fine.

I love you babe.  Happy, happy, happy birthday.
Mommy

a letter to my sons: every night, before I go to bed.

Every night, before I go to bed.

I shuffle down the hallway, sliding one foot past the other on the slick wood floors to avoid making any noise, until I'm standing just outside your door.  I flip on the hallway light so I don't trip over a toy carelessly left in the middle of your bedroom floor. And so I can see your face.  I always pause at the door with my fingertips resting on the handle, just for a moment, silently asking myself if I should risk it.  With little hesitation, I slowly press down on the handle and gently push your door open just an inch or two and peer into the darkness.  I wait.  I listen for rustling blankets or changes in your breathing.  Moments later, I crack the door wide enough so that when I turn sideways, I can easily slip in.  I don't want to let in any more light than I need.  I stand still again, waiting for my eyes to adjust.  Listening to the rhythm of your breath.  In. Out. In. Out.  Like waves in the ocean lapping the shore. Calm. Predictable.

I tiptoe over to where you sleep and admire your innocence.  Your sweetness.  I marvel at the little person you are growing into every day and at the fact that your father and I literally created you.  Brought you into this crazy world.  I pull your covers up to your chin to keep you warm throughout the night because I anticipate that I won't see you again until morning.  I do the same thing to your brother.

Every night, before I go to bed.

I want your peaceful faces to be the last thing I see before I fall asleep.  These are a few of my favorite moments of each day that I take to bed with me.  I go to bed knowing you are warm, safe, and content.  Every day, I go to bed knowing you were kissed and hugged and told that you are loved.  I go to bed appreciating that you have a warm, safe place to lay your head at night.  That you have food in your belly and sweet dreams in your head.  That you are fortunate enough, that we all are fortunate enough, to not know the difference.  Nothing can replace the feeling of your head on my shoulder, your arms around my neck, or your voice in my ear whispering "I love you, mommy."  I love the chaos and the hustle and bustle that we repeat, day after day. 

But these moments, every night before I go to bed....they are my favorite.

xo,
Mommy

Dear Dexter (18 month letter)

Littlest Dexy,

Here we are in the middle of November and halfway to your 2nd birthday already.  On 11/13/12 at 7:05 a.m., you will be 1 and a 1/2 years old!  You are so happy, easy going, and such a joy to be around.  You're also a mischievous little guy who likes to flash a sly grin when you're doing something you know you're not supposed to do.

You're FINALLY getting some more teeth.  You'd had the same 7 since you were about 10 months old but now you're getting the fourth on the bottom and your incisors on the top.  You've been a little wild and crazy and sometimes grumpy lately, which I attribute to these mean teeth coming through, but overall you're handling it like a champ.

You love to eat. Period.  You like your milk. We still give you milk in the mornings and before bed because you love it.  You gulp it down and sometimes, if we're lucky, you'll go back to sleep in the morning afterwards.  Sleep - that's what we need to talk about.  You still wake up EARLY!  Not 5am early like you used to every day, but sometimes 6.  Here recently, you've started occasionally sleeping til 7 and maybe that will become the norm over the next few months. Please and thank you. 

You started sharing a room with your brother over the past couple of weeks and so far I'm really pleased!  You guys get along and play together better than ever and we haven't had much trouble getting you guys to go to sleep at night.  Usually we put you to bed a few minutes before Theo or else... you'll be up yelling and wanting to play for 45 minutes!  I can hear Theo through the monitor telling you "Dexter! It's bedtime!  Go to sleep!"  He's one to talk, isn't he? 

You're talking more and more and saying things I've never heard you say before.  You say "I want" followed by the thing that you want all the time.  Whether it's "to eat," "a bath," "to play," "down," "up," "to read," "Neee" (our cat Niko), "potty" (you don't really do that...you just watch your brother sometimes), etc.  The list goes on and on.  You will repeat anything and everything that we say (or at least try).

Boy, you want to be JUST like Theo.  Wherever he is, there you are.  If you're not there, if I wait long enough, you'll show up.  You want to play what he's playing. Read what he's reading. Watch what he's watching. Sit where he's sitting.  You two are too cute.  Watching you guys together makes mama a happy gal.

You like our new house. You've got lots of toys and lots of room to run around.  Your favorite thing is probably playing on the slide in the library.  Yes, the big plastic slide is in the library until we finish the basement or find some other place for it.  You are brave and like to stand at the top of the slide and take off running down it.  This does not always end well.  You should stop doing that, or at least learn something from it.

You're so brave. You know no danger.  You know no stranger.  I was just telling your dad the other day that I don't think I've ever seen you bleed.  Your brother was only about 9 months old the first time he busted his lip...and he's done this several times since then. He's had various other boo boos.  But I can't think of a single time you've had a cut or busted lip.  I hope I didn't just jinx you!  I guess you're somewhat cautious in your adventures...you haven't led us to the ER yet.

I still love that you have blonde hair and blue eyes. We call you Blondie a lot.  And Dex. Dexy. Deezy.  Deezy von Weezy.  My sweet.  And again...the list goes on.  You're wearing mostly 18-24 months clothes.  Still in a crib. You've never climbed out (yet).  You still like 2+ hr naps in the afternoon.  You still have the biggest smile and brighest eyes of any little blondie I've ever known. 

I'm really looking forward to the next six months to see how you change and how your vocabulary grows. How your independence and relationship with Theo grows.  I'm looking forward to watching you develop your own interests and talents even more and fostering those things for you.  I'm looking forward to holidays and lazy Saturday mornings with cartoons on the couch.  I'm looking forward to being with you and just being your mama for the rest of my life. 

You're my sweet.  You're my baby and you always will be. 

xo,
mama

Dear Dexter (15 month letter)

Dear Dexter,

You are 15 months old today!  You are one of the happiest people I know.  Your smile is contagious and people always ask me, "he's always happy, isn't he?"  My answer is, "yep, pretty much!"  It's true.  That's what I think of when I think of you - happiness.

You still have seven teeth.  Four on top and three on bottom.  You haven't gotten any new teeth in about 6 months so I imagine we are all in for a treat pretty soon.  I'm sure it won't change your happy disposition though.  Right?

You are starting to talk more and will repeat anything anyone tells you to.  Sometimes you surprise me by saying something I didn't even know you knew how to say.  You love putting on everyone's shoes and walking around with them clopping on the floor.  You love to follow your big brother around and play whatever he's playing.

You like food - most kinds of food and large quantities of food.  You're still just a little guy though, right around 20th percentile in weight and 50th in height.  You still wake up around 5 or 6am most days, wanting a bottle of warm milk.  Mom's a sucker for those big blue eyes and hasn't made you give it up yet.  Soon though.

Lots of stuff has been going on lately with our new house.  I know mommy and daddy haven't been around as much lately but it's all for you and Theo.  We are making our new house nice.  You are going to have a wonderful place to grow up and do you know why?  Because you deserve it.  You deserve the world, my cute little blondie, and we will do our best to give it to you.

You turned our world upside down, Dex, but guess what?  We wouldn't have it any other way.

xoxo,
mommy

Dear Dexter - 12 month letter to my boy

Dear Dexter,

1 year.  366 days (leap year!) since you popped into our lives.  You were born in one push and everything else has gone by just as fast in the last year.  You've gone from a squishy, helpless newborn to a curious, funny, smart little boy with a contagious laugh.

20 months ago I found out I was pregnant with you and I was so scared. I couldn't imagine what life would be like with two babies just 14 months apart.  Today I can't imagine life without you or our family's future without these two sweet little brothers that look nothing alike.

You are adventurous and fearless and you keep us on our toes.  You've learned how to climb up on chairs... and tables... and you've yet to learn that these kinds of adventures aren't always worth the risk.  You've got some bumps and bruises ahead of you, crazy boy.

You're walking!  Just this week you've started navigating on your own from one end of a room to the other.  Those shaky steps are so fun for us to watch and bittersweet at the same time as you are literally walking out of babyhood.

Yesterday, 40 people gathered at your house to celebrate you turning one today.  It warmed your mom and dad's hearts to see how much you are loved by people outside of your immediate family.  One is a big milestone, little boy, but there is so much more ahead of you.  Of us.  We can't wait to see where this road takes us.  You are precious, and you and your big brother are our world.  You keep us guessing and learning.

You just keep being your own little man, mister.  We wouldn't want it any other way.

Today we share a special day.  It's Mother's Day and it's your first birthday.  Thank you, little boy, for coming into my life and letting me be your mom.  I'll do my best.

xo,
Mommy

Brand new

One month

Two months

Three months

Four months

Five months

Six months

Seven months

Eight months

Nine months

Ten months

Eleven months

One Year.

Letters to Theo: Today, you are 2.

Little Theo,
Last night before bed, your daddy and I talked about what a big day today would be for you.  For the last week, we've been teaching you to say "I'm two!" when asked your age.  We've been trying to teach you to hold up your little peace sign to show everyone how many years old you are.  You try but for some reason, you just can't get that little thumb to secure your pinky and ring finger.  Cutest thing ever. 

Last night before bed, we sang happy birthday to you.  Towards the end, I felt my voice quavering and my eyes stinging.  I felt that familiar lump in my throat.  It's the same one that unexpectedly crept up on me at your first birthday party last year as we sung to you. 

Last night before bed, I told you I loved you.  I kissed your head.  I whispered in your ear, "the next time I see you, you'll be 2."  You smiled at me and I brushed your long hair out of your eyes, pulled your favorite blanket up to your chin and walked out of your room gently pulling the door closed behind me.

Last night after I put you in bed, I cried.  I sat in silence on the couch and thought about what I was doing exactly 2 years ago.  I was lying in the hospital full of anxiety and anticipation and hopes and dreams  Curiosity and naivity.  Two years ago I didn't know how much love one heart could hold.  I had only dreamed of seeing your face.  I didn't yet know that it would be 100 times cuter than I expected.  I didn't know you'd have a head full of black hair and your daddy's nose.  I didn't know that my heart would melt and I would be changed forever.

Last night, when I was on my way to work, I fought back tears.  I asked myself why I felt so sad.  It's the weirdest thing.  Mommies worry about things they never knew they would worry about.  They get excited over things that never seemed exciting.  They cry at times when they least expect it.  I'm not sad that you're two, son.  I'm sad that you're not a baby anymore.  You'll always be my baby, but you're not a baby.

Today, you are a little boy.  A curious toddler with a personality as big and bright as the sun. 
Today, you make your mommy and daddy prouder than you did the day before.
Today, you are funnier and smarter and sillier than you were the day before.
Today, you are loved even more than you were the day before.

Today, you are 2.

3-8-2010

3-8-2011

3-8-2012

And this world is yours for the taking.  Make the most of it, sweetheart.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Dexter (9 month letter to my boy)

Dear Dexter,

You've been on the outside of mommy as long as you were inside my tummy.  It's amazing to think that you've gone from a little seed to a smart, happy, curious, MOBILE baby in 18 months.  Watching you grow has been and continues to be one of my greatest joys in life.

I love you. 

I love your blue eyes and blonde hair.  I love that you look like your own little person. 

I love that it is so easy to make you smile.

You still have just two tiny teeth.  You eat everything you can get your hands on.  You would keep feeding yourself finger foods until you exploded.  These last few days, you've decided baby food is for babies... hint: You ARE still a baby.  Mommy is not ready for you to give up baby food yet.  Sloooow down.  You just love every bit of independence you are given.

Sometimes when you are not given independence, you just take it. 

I love that you started crawling right before you turned 7 months and never looked back.  You took your first single step on Saturday, but I couldn't get you to do it again when anyone else was looking.  Sweet of you to share that moment with just me, ha! I love that you are so brave.

I love that you are innocent.  You have not been changed by the negativity in the world.  You have not been hurt by other people's words and actions.  You have a positive outlook on life because positivity is all you know.  You have been showered with love since the day you were born.

I love that you came into our lives when you did. 

I love the way your face lights up when you see your big brother.  I worried a lot about you and your brother being so close in age, but now I can't imagine it being any other way.

I hope you will always love each other and play together.

I love that you are an easy-going, easy to please kind of kid.  I hope you stay that way.

I love that you love bathtime.  I hate that you never get to play as long as you want to because we are always rushing to get two little booties bathed. 

I love those rare times when you fall asleep with your head on my shoulder and your arm around my neck.  You can do that a lot more often if you want to, okay?

I love that you are finally sleeping through the night (more often than not).  What took you so long anyway?

I love that you are perfectly healthy.  We could not have been given a greater gift.

I love to hear your baby babble.  You say ga, da, ba, and lots of oooohs and aaaaahs in a sing-song voice.  Hearing your soft, sweet voice in conversation (albeit with yourself) is music to my ears.

I hope you and I are always close.  I always want to be in your life.  If other people call you a mama's boy, that's okay.  Just ignore them.  Or better yet, tell them you are lucky to have a mom who loves you so much.   Because Dexter?  I do love you. SO. MUCH.

One day you will get hurt.  Physically or emotionally.  I won't be there to prevent the fall, but I will always be there to hug you and I will do my best to ease your pain. 

Dexter, you are such a special boy to your mommy and daddy.  We will like you forever and love you for always.  We love love love love you, just as you are.

xo,
Mama