Thursday, July 21, 2011

in 3 years

At my 6 week checkup last month, I talked to my OB/GYN about birth control options.  After discussing all the possibilities, I left with a pamphlet about Implanon and made an appointment to get the implant a week later.  After doing a little research online, I decided that this was the best option for me.  I am horrible at remembering to take pills daily - especially the kind that you have to take at the exact same time every day (like the Mini-Pill, which is the only pill recommended for nursing mothers).

Implanon slowly releases hormones that prevent ovulation over the course of three years.  The implant is a small plastic rod inserted inside the upper arm.  I was given a shot to numb the area and then the rod was placed in my left arm through a needle, in which it was pre-inserted.  Did it hurt?  Yes.  Insertion hurt and it was pretty tender for about a week.  But so far, it's worth it because I don't have to worry about any more surprises for three whole years.  The biggest side effect that women complain about is irregular bleeding.  The doctor stated that very few women get it removed as a result.  

Ask me now if I want to have more kids and I will cut you off before you finish the question with a resounding "NO."  Some days I am drowning in self-doubt and there are many days when I wonder if I can give these boys the best life with them being so close together.  I feel guilty because Theo didn't get to be the baby for very long.  I feel guilty because Theo is still a baby, therefore Dexter might not get as much attention as he needs or deserves.   


In 3 years, I'll be 34.  In 3 years, I will have a three year old and a four year old.  In 3 years, I'll know for sure if I want to have more kids.  I can't imagine myself having kids after the age of 35 for a couple of reasons.  I want my kids to be close in age and I wonder if I would have the energy to be raising teenagers into my fifties.  In 3 years, we will have made the decision of whether we want to have three kids.  We will not "try" for a girl.  If we have another child in 3 or 4 years, we will have an expectation, acceptance, and desire to have three boys.  If we ended up with a girl, it would simply be a sweet surprise.

In 3 years we will be out of diapers (hopefully) and our boys won't rely on us as heavily as they do now.  In 3 years, I imagine that I will yearn to feel the sweet weight of an infant on my chest.  In 3 years, 2am feedings will be a distant memory.  In 3 years, I think we'll know for sure.  Until then, I'll pretend that my child-bearing days are not behind me.  Until then, I'll pretend that I might see myself with a baby belly again.  Until then, I'll live in the moment and make the most of the days and hours I have with these babies that are here right now.  Right now, I will make the most of the good times and the hard times.  Because in 3 years, I think we will decide that 2 babies are enough.

Time will tell.


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