Monday, April 18, 2011

thoughts about baby

Last week was a slow bloggity blog week, I know.  I am not making grand promises about my blog this week.  I'm whiny and tired and I feel like no one wants to hear/see/read that.

I'm getting excited.  I'm getting scared.  I've been having weird pains.  I'm feeling bittersweet about this whole pregnancy thing.  I know it's going to be ending very soon, which will open up my world in a whole new way.  A raw, sleep-deprived (more than now? really?) way.  I remember right after I had Theo thinking that it wasn't so bad (at times) because I was SO exhausted that I could fall asleep instantly.  And I slept like a rock until he woke me up to eat again.  Granted, that might have only been for 90 minutes at a time, but there were some perks.  For example, I could sleep on my stomach again.  Heartburn didn't keep me awake. 

I will go from one baby to two.  The beauty of one baby is that when he sleeps, the mama can sleep (in theory).  Since Theo gets up around 7, I'm not sure how that's going to work out.  I originally intended to keep him home with me every day while I was on maternity leave.  I remember being really sad going back to work after he was born because I realized that I would never get the chance to spend that much time with him again, barring a horrible illness or some other reason I would have 12 weeks off work while he was a child.  Obviously I realized that any subsequent maternity leave would be a chance to spend 12 more weeks with him...but then there's that pesky sleep thing.  So I have agreed, at my husband's constant and persistent urging, to allow him to continue going to the babysitter 3 days a week.  To maintain his allow me to bond with the allow me to sleep when the baby sleeps...etc, etc, etc. 

I have mixed feelings about it.  He says I'm just trying to be supermom.  I'm not.  If I was a stay-at-home mom, I wouldn't have a choice.  I wouldn't be sending one baby away so I only had to deal with one at a time.  I feel guilty.  I feel like if I am home, my kids should be at home with me.  All of them.  Not at a paid babysitter.  Then my hubs reminds me that Theo LOVES his babysitter.  And he loves his baby BFF at the babysitter, G, who is 3 weeks younger than him.  He reminds me that the babysitter does activities and takes them outside and gets a good night's rest and has lots of energy every day.  Oh.  Yeah.  That is true. 

But for whatever reason, I still feel like it's a copout and I should be able to manage my two babies.  The babysitter is going to be managing 2 toddlers and 2 infants all by herself this fall.  That's kinda insane!  Again, she gets a good night's sleep, but still...I wouldn't be able to/couldn't do that. 

I am in a constant cycle of justifying keeping Theo home versus sending him to the babysitter.  I think the solution is that we will continue to pay the babysitter the same amount and if I want to send him, I'll send him.  If I want him home, I'll keep him home.  If I want to go pick him up early, I can do that too.  She's super flexible, thank goodness, so hopefully we'll just be able to play it by ear. 

Another thing about feeling torn over the whole pregnancy-ending-soon thing is that it's kind of sad, having my babies so close together.  I don't feel like I got to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I might have if they had been spaced out a little more.  What if we don't have another baby and this is the last time I'm pregnant?  I'll never feel those baby kicks and see my big baby belly again.  That's kind of sad, once it's over.  With that being said, I can totally understand why they (doctors?) don't want you making any final decisions about tubal ligation while you're in the middle of a pregnancy.  Right now, my answer would be "no way in hell." 

I remember when Theo was about 2 months old thinking I could do it all over again.

be careful what you wish for,

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