Things are starting to come together for Theo's first birthday party (in less than two weeks). We bought the decorations over the weekend. We talked to the cake-making lady and have a better idea of what's going on there. We have a semi-decent idea of how many people are coming. I talked to a friend who advised me on how many pizzas to order. The anxiety about all of this is coming down a little.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about my dad. I miss him every day but sometimes he just comes up in the most random ways. Shortly after he died (and occasionally still), I'd say something about going to "Mom-n-Dad's house" or calling "Mom-n-Dad" to ask a question. Mom-n-Dad is kind of like a run-on word/title/entity growing up, so when one of them is gone, it's hard to just say "Mom." It's missing something (or someone).
Are you wondering what these two seemingly random topics have in common? I was writing a list of people that have RSVP'd to the party (thank you, kind souls) and sure enough, it looked like something this:
aunt
uncle
cousin
cousin
blah
blah
mom
DAD
Stop. It just came out of the pen before I had a chance to think about what I was writing. As soon as I wrote the letters d-a-d, and before I realized what was happening, I scribbled those three letters out. Then I stopped again. What am I doing, scribbling Dad out? All of that happened in a matter of a couple of seconds and the whole 2 second ordeal stopped me in my tracks. I felt guilt for scribbling and panic for wanting to unscribble...to undo what I had done...to undo that he won't be at Theo's first birthday party. It was the first time I thought about the fact that my d-a-d won't be there.
As I sat there paralyzed, not able to continue with my list, I stared at my scribble and a massive, unexpected wave of sadness swept over me. They say you never really lose the ones you love. They say that the hurt lessens over time. It's true - I don't feel that kind of intense emotion every day.
BUT.
There's something about having all of this emotion coming out of nowhere 4 years later over a scribble and a vacant chair at a baby boy's first birthday party that knocks the wind right out of your chest.
wondering why that had to happen,
~C~
Ah Candice...I thought about it after you texted me this last night & I think you should let yourself off the guilt hook. The reason you wrote out Dad is obvious & natural. Just because he isn't still here physically doesn't mean he isn't stll notably present in your heart & subconcious. Especially as Theo reaches milestones. And to me, the reason you scribbled his name out so quickly is equally transparent. Just as you reflexively wrote it because he belongs atop that important list of RSVPers, you instinctively tried to undo it to prevent the crush to your heart that was sure to follow. Maybe if you scratched it out quickly enough you wouldn't have to feel that all too familiar pain. So as the ruler and knower of all things, I hereby release you of all that guilt and sadness. K?
ReplyDeleteLove you....but you already knew that.
Xoxo
em.
http://mymomentscollected.blogspot.com/
Thanks Em. xoxo
ReplyDelete