Thursday, September 2, 2010

does BD mean Baby Dance or Bed Down?

Just wondering, because there are so many acronyms that you learn when you obsess over having a baby... anyway...

Before we were even married in 2003, DH (dear husband) and I had a ten year plan.  I don't think we ever called it that, but we had talked about how we hoped things would play out.  I would graduate from college in 2 years.  We would start trying for a baby in 4 years, and deliver that bouncing bundle of joy in no more than 5 years, and so on and so forth...

Well, it took 4 years to graduate from college.  When we had been married four years, I had been at my job for 2 months and wouldn't qualify for FMLA unless I worked there for 1 year at the time the baby was born.  Even then, I didn't feel right getting pregnant at the same time I was just getting my feet wet with my new social work-y, super stressful job.  Not to mention the fact that we. just. weren't. ready.

After 5 years, we started talking about it and decided that we would start TTC (trying to conceive) in the Fall of '08, because, well, wouldn't it be lovely to give birth in the Summer of '09?  We could put little sunbonnets on our newborn baby and life would be all daisies and butterflies.

The Fall of '08 rolled around and I heard about an Aflac disability policy that would mean I could get paid a nice little chunk of change for my maternity leave, so I signed up.  Problem:  You could give birth no less than 10 months after the policy activated.  Of course, to be safe, it seemed like the responsible (and non-money-wasting) thing to do to wait 2 months instead of 1, just in case said baby was born 4 weeks early.  Because naturally, I was going to conceive the very first try.

With the way things worked out, we ended up not being able or ready to start ttc until late November 2008.  Not too shabby...just in time for that Summer '09 babe.  I had thought of all kinds of cute ways to announce at Christmas to the in-laws and my family that we were expecting and knock their baby booties off with the surprise.  Two days before Christmas... AF (aunt Flo).  And of course she was 4 days late, just to be a wench.

No big deal, must have just been a fluke.  Our timing was off or something.  You know, because, you've spent your ENTIRE adult life trying NOT to get pregnant so it seems like the first time you have totally unprotected sex, BOOM!  Knocked up.  Uh uh.

January:  BFN (big fat negative), AF showed up
February:  lots of BFNs because AF didn't show up at all
March: BFN, AF.
April: BFN, AF.
May: BFN, AF.
June: BFN, AF.  And lots of crying because it had been 7 months since we started TTC and nothing.  This was supposed to be easy.  It's what a woman's body is biologically created to do, right?  Six unsuccessful cycles and trust me, we weren't just "winging it," we were taking advantage of just about every product on the market that is intended to increase fertility and chances of getting that ever-evasive BFP (getting the hang of this?). 

I researched fertility on the internet.  I talked to my doctor.  I read forums and Yahoo! Answers.  I bought books about fertility.  And then a friend bought me the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which is all about charting your ass off and taking your temperature every day, etc.  I won't go into the ooey gooey (heh heh) details of it all, but I started charting.  Coincidence or not, I don't know, but ...

July '09: BFP!!!!

The day we found out was the day after our 6th wedding anniversary and I kicked myself for not obsessively taking the test the day before I was technically supposed to, like I had every month before.  I was in shock and disbelief.

It was 8 months from the time we started trying until we got that BFP and it felt like a lifetime.  Every month was full of anticipation and heartbreak, followed by growing feelings of desperation.  And we were still in the "normal" range of how long it takes a couple to conceive.  I cannot imagine struggling with fertility for years on end like some folks we have known.  I was already trying to decide if fertility treatments were in our future and if that was the road we would choose if we were unable to conceive on our own.  I had received some disappointing news from my doctor when I had labs done and had begun to give up.  Already....after 6 unsuccessful cycles!  I feel for those who have to try for a long time to get pregnant, because once you have that desire in your heart, you can't turn it off.

My pregnancy story to come at a later date...



  1. I love reading all your post, but this one tugged on my heart a little. I know exactly where you are coming from; the disappointment, the heart ache, the hopeful wishing and then the big let down. It took us 4 long years and 3 pregnancies, before we were blessed with our little Cooper.

  2. Ro - and I couldn't be happier for you, having Cooper in your life. I think I finally understand how much my mom must love me. That was a very humbling experience! Thanks for your comments.