i didn't, but then i did + sad news

I registered for the Race Away from Domestic Violence 5k a few weeks ago, expecting to have finished the Couch to 5k program by now and expecting nice, clear weather on June 1st at 8am.

A few things happened to the contrary. I got sick with strep about 5-6 weeks ago and never fully got back on track with Couch to 5k.  I still gave myself enough time to finish C25k (barely), but then I got a cold about a week and a half ago.  From Week 1, Day 1, I vowed to repeat any failed workout until I succeeded. I never failed a single workout until Week 9 Day 1. P.S. It's a 9 week program.  So that was last Sunday...I was supposed to run 30 minutes without stopping but I was so congested that I couldn't breathe.  I only made it 15 minutes.

Tuesday we went to Kings Island. Thursday I went to the Tim McGraw concert after receiving a last minute invitation. Things happened and the week got away from me.  By Friday, I still hadn't tried again and the weatherman was predicting thunderstorms during the race.  He didn't lie.  I set the alarm for six a.m. and watched the news for thirty minutes. I didn't see anything about a cancellation but I just didn't have the heart or desire to run in the rain. Especially not knowing deep down if I'd be able to finish.  The furthest I'd ran before was 2.4 miles (without stopping) and the longest time being 28 minutes.

The other thing that happened -- very unexpectedly, our babysitter told us last night that she is closing her doors. My heart sank and I literally felt like I was going to puke as she was explaining. As soon as I understood what she meant by "closing," my mind was going a million miles a minute.  She was talking but I was only half-hearing.  The boys were trying to walk out the door and I was trying not to cry. As soon as the door closed behind me, I burst into tears.  Theo told me all the way home that everything was going to be alright, although he had no understanding of what had just happened. A bomb went off in our happy little world.  She gave a million reasons with which I can find no fault.  I know it's not personal.  But it feels personal.  It feels like a break-up when you've done everything you can do to keep someone happy but it's not enough. It feels like she's breaking up with our kids. Like they weren't good enough. Like they did something wrong.  Again, I know it's not personal.  None of the reasons she gave had anything to do with us, but everything to do with her family and personal life. But from day one, she said that she was committed to seeing our families through to Kindergarten.  We stayed in the same geographical area when we bought our home based largely on that. Knowing all the while, that we were completely vulnerable and that this could happen any day of the week.  Knowing all the while, that priorities change. Life circumstances change.  That promises can be broken and there's not a thing you can do to change it. She made a big decision to better her family's life.  I can't be upset with her, but naturally and selfishly, I'm upset and saddened by the situation that it leaves us in.

So I spent all of Friday night crying and processing. Worrying and wondering.  Fearful of the future. Sick over the uncertainty. Searching online and making a list of people and places to call come Monday morning.  I couldn't sleep last night and when the alarm went off at 6am this morning, I sure was not in the mindset to toss aside my worries and go run in the rain for the sake of saying I ran a 5k.

She's giving us 4 weeks to find alternative care.  We're thankful for that but so much remains unknown for now.  It's just been a gloomy kind of weekend.

After gorging myself on Mexican food for dinner tonight, I told myself to snap out of it.  I knew I'd eaten way more than My Fitness Pal would appreciate and I needed to do something to make up for it.  At 8pm I decided that even though I didn't make it to the 5k 12 hours earlier, I had everything I needed to run a 5k right then.  I put on my shoes, grabbed my iPod and I ran.  I ran and ran and ran.  I ran fast then I slowed down.  Waaay down. I sped up and slowed down. Over and over.  I sung. I focused on my breathing. I felt my feet hitting the ground. Ankle, knee, and side pains came and went.  I focused on the sky and the lines on the sidewalk before me.  I ran and ran and ran until I'd gone 3.2 miles.  Just over 5k in just under 40 minutes.  The furthest and longest I've ever ran.  It felt good to accomplish it, even if there was no crowd. No tag with a number to pin to my shirt. No official time. No one to high 5 me at the finish line.  I did it for myself. Now I know that I can.

Still sad? Of course.  But life moves on.  We all keep progressing.  Our babysitter told me to focus on the positive.  It will be good for Theo to be around older kids.  I know it will be fine, but it just doesn't feel that way right now because I just don't know what to do or where to go.  We have a big search and a big decision ahead of us.  It's hard and stressful and anxiety-provoking.  It's time to figure it out, though, so that's what we will do.

xo,
~C~

toddler behavior fun

Theo has been a bit of a handful at times lately.  In case you don't know what that means, it's a gross understatement.  Use your imagination.  I literally started reading parenting classes curriculum in search of some magical remedy, not to mention wondering what the heck we've done so wrong thus far with discipline and whatnot.  He's just a moody, sensitive child that needs structure, routine, and hard rules sometimes. Dexter has never been that way. At Dexter's 2 year check-up we told the doctor that Dexter has been a breeze (as far as behavior is concerned) compared to Theo.  He was surprised that Dexter wasn't in the midst of full-blown Terrible 2s and we said "hey, don't jinx us dude."  Or something like that.

Well, well, well, well.

March 2013

Mr. Dexy Poo has been giving us a run for our money these last few days.  Crazy fits, ear-piercing screams, not listening, telling us he does things "because I want to" after we ask him why he's throwing this or breaking that, etc.  It's been a little nutso.  Luckily, Theo has been a dream this lovely long weekend.  Helpful, sweet, and so smart. I think he's really matured a lot lately. His thought process has been changing.  His understanding of more complex matters is increasing.  It's so fascinating to observe and participate in all these changes.  Good thing, because I don't think I could handle tantruming toddlers x2.

Sunday morning we were trying to get out the door and Dexter was underfoot in the kitchen. The kid would NOT get out of my way.  He was opening and slamming every cabinet door and drawer.  I sternly told him to stop or leave the kitchen and he started screaming back at me. WHO IS THIS KID?  Theo walked over to him and patted his back and said "Dexter, Dexter, don't do that.  Be nice. I'm trying to save you."  I had to laugh and ask Theo what he was saving Dexter from.  "Getting in trouble," he said with a smile.  He's becoming such a good big brother.

Dexter is now just shy of 2 years and 1 month old and we've seen no sign of a 2 year molar yet.  But he's super crabby and protests toothbrush time pretty consistently so fingers are crossed here for some big ugly teeth making their way through sometime soon.

March 2013. Can someone please remind me why I chopped their hair off??

Brothers.  Best pals.

 xo,
~C~

time for your catch-up

I've had that dang Doc McStuffins song stuck in my head for weeks. So random since my kids don't watch it. I secretly try to push it on them because I think it's such a cute show.

That's totally not the point of this post.  I'm just a little bit behind on thing that have been happening so I wanted to jot a few things down.

Last Monday Dexter peed in the potty!  He always pees as soon as I put him in the tub for a bath so I try to remember to sit him on the toilet first. Never worked before, but he's peed on the potty a few times since Monday.  I'm not ready to go full force potty training him because I think he can control releasing it. But not holding it.  I know that makes no sense to you, but it makes sense to me. I told Theo that I hoped he started pooping on the potty before Dexter did and guess what? Wednesday night, Theo pooped on the potty at home for the first time.  He did it once on April Fools Day (how appropriate) at the babysitter's but this was the first time at home. He hasn't done it again but hey. It's some kind of progress.  Hard to believe my little pals are getting so big.

Oh, and Dexter says "peed" for pee "peeding" for peeing.  I guess because he so often hears "peed in the potty."  So now he says "I'm peeding!"  It's really funny and cute. No?  Guess you have to be there.

In the car, Theo oftentimes will ask me why Dexter does something or doesn't do something and I'll direct him to ask Dexter.  It cracks me up when Theo says Dexter's name repeatedly until Dexter makes eye contact with him. This isn't easy to do because they both have to kind of look around the sides of their carseats to see each other.  If Dexter doesn't look at Theo or say anything, Theo will say "Dexter, say 'what'" before asking his question.  Dexter ignores him half the time to push his buttons - I know this because he gets a very mischievous grin on his face.  Dexter has a lot of faces.  I'll have to try to get some of his trademark smirks on my camera because I sure don't want to forget them.  Theo even knows the faces now, because he'll say "What is THAT face, Dexter?"

Theo's picked up on a lot of the things I say.  I'll ask him a question and he'll answer "I have no clue" or "I have no idea" and I'll think to myself, where did he hear that? Not five minutes later, I'll realize I'm saying it too.  Cute.

I have a cold and it's really been annoying because I was so determined to complete C25K before this Saturday, when I run my first 5k.  I tried to run yesterday and only made it 15 minutes.  Week 9 Day 1 of a 9 week program and I had my first failed workout.  I just couldn't breathe and figured it wasn't worth pushing myself and making myself sicker.  From the beginning, I've said I would repeat any failed workout but I definitely won't finish if I do that.  We'll see what happens with my cold the rest of the week, but right now my main priority is just getting better by Saturday morning at 8am.  I think I'm going to be really disappointed in myself if I don't run the whole thing.

Ryan and I are heading to Kings Island for a fun date day tomorrow!

xo,
~C~