Thursday, December 19, 2013

missing my dad.

I have felt on the verge of tears for a few days, unable to really pinpoint why.  Just on edge - emotions running high.  I thought it was just exhaustion. The weather. The holiday rush and stress.  Finding that perfect gift for each of 15+ people on our list. And the money for that perfect gift.  My dirty house eating away at me, because everyone in it has been sick and I haven't had time to do the dishes, let alone dust.  Not getting to go visit my family last weekend because of the illness. Plans getting cancelled left and right because of snow. Or sickness. The weight of this time of year. The disappointment of everything that's gone wrong recently. The changes that have happened this year in our family and longing for the way it used to be. Always questioning if I am doing the right thing, if I am parenting the best way I can, if I'm meeting everyone's expectations. My own expectations.  Relationships that have changed or gone away. Friends that have changed or gone away.  I miss blogging regularly but don't even know what to say anymore.  And then there's winter.  Stupid, stupid winter. Not running or exercising because I can't find the time. Fear of failure. The boys crying at drop off. Again.

Tonight, Theo was asleep on the couch by 6:30 (not feeling well - AGAIN). Dex passed out as soon as I put him in bed. Ryan asleep by 7:15 (not feeling well).  By 9pm I couldn't hold back anymore and the big, hot, stupid, salty tears were pouring down my face. For no reason, for every reason.  I felt the need to see my dad, so I walked around the house looking for a picture of him.  Sat here, staring at him. He would have been 62 today, if pancreatic cancer hadn't stolen him from me over 6 years ago.  I can't remember how long it's been since I cried over my dad but now I can't stop.  I miss him.  So.  Much.  So much has happened and my life has changed in so many ways since the last time I sat down and talked to him.  I wish I could see his hands.  Be on the receiving end of one of his big hugs.  Just to hear him say he loves me one more time.  It feels good to let it out.  Now I just want to feel better and get on with these happy freaking holidays.


xo,
~C~

8 comments:

  1. The Holidays are always hard when we are missing loved ones. :( I hope things get better for you. We found out today that my husbands grandmother has cancer and only has a few months to live. Not the best news to hear around the Holidays, but it sure reminds you to be grateful and live in the moment.

    You are in my thoughts *hugs*

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. SO sorry to hear about your husband's grandmother. You will definitely be cherishing her this year at Christmas. Hugs to you, too.

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  2. Oh Candice. Wish I was closer and could give you a big, fat hug! Love you!!!!

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  3. Oh Candice. Wish I was closer and could give you a big, fat hug! Love you!!!!

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  4. Dearest Candy apple llama lips,

    This made my heart hurt for you. I wish I was coming home for the holidays this year. I want to stroke your hair and feed you freshly baked cookies (that someone other than me baked) and watch Elf. And I would frolic with your children in the 17 feet of snow. I will just look forward to January when I KNOW I will see you and perhaps I can give you a slight pick-me-up then, because everybody hates January and February. You know, except for Dr. King and some presidents. Be good to yourself, say nice things in your brain, and teach your children to dust. (Is that bad? Is that like having a tiny sweatshop? It's probably fine.)

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

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    1. I love you Sara! Thank you for the smile - I sure needed it.

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  5. Ugh, sending you a huge, huge hug my friend!!! It sure, sure sucks.

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    1. You've sent me lots of hugs via text! thank you! xoxo

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