I have felt on the verge of tears for a few days, unable to really pinpoint why. Just on edge - emotions running high. I thought it was just exhaustion. The weather. The holiday rush and stress. Finding that perfect gift for each of 15+ people on our list. And the money for that perfect gift. My dirty house eating away at me, because everyone in it has been sick and I haven't had time to do the dishes, let alone dust. Not getting to go visit my family last weekend because of the illness. Plans getting cancelled left and right because of snow. Or sickness. The weight of this time of year. The disappointment of everything that's gone wrong recently. The changes that have happened this year in our family and longing for the way it used to be. Always questioning if I am doing the right thing, if I am parenting the best way I can, if I'm meeting everyone's expectations. My own expectations. Relationships that have changed or gone away. Friends that have changed or gone away. I miss blogging regularly but don't even know what to say anymore. And then there's winter. Stupid, stupid winter. Not running or exercising because I can't find the time. Fear of failure. The boys crying at drop off. Again.
Tonight, Theo was asleep on the couch by 6:30 (not feeling well - AGAIN). Dex passed out as soon as I put him in bed. Ryan asleep by 7:15 (not feeling well). By 9pm I couldn't hold back anymore and the big, hot, stupid, salty tears were pouring down my face. For no reason, for every reason. I felt the need to see my dad, so I walked around the house looking for a picture of him. Sat here, staring at him. He would have been 62 today, if pancreatic cancer hadn't stolen him from me over 6 years ago. I can't remember how long it's been since I cried over my dad but now I can't stop. I miss him. So. Much. So much has happened and my life has changed in so many ways since the last time I sat down and talked to him. I wish I could see his hands. Be on the receiving end of one of his big hugs. Just to hear him say he loves me one more time. It feels good to let it out. Now I just want to feel better and get on with these happy freaking holidays.