I'll be walking through the mall (pushing a stroller) or walking through Target (pushing my baby in the cart) and I will feel fine. I'll see a cute, carefree mom who is wearing heeled boots, modern jeans, and a trendy top, which all look perfect with her make-up and freshly cut and styled hair. She's got a baby about Theo's age so I'll be thinking to myself - oh, there's a lady just like me. I'll give her that knowing mom smile and maybe she'll give me one back or maybe she'll just look at me and shake her head, thankful that she's still got it together.
Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or the reflection of a storefront window. I'm the mom wearing tennis shoes and the same jeans I've had for the last 5 years. I haven't worn make up in, I don't know, weeks or maybe even over a month. Every week and a half or so I'll catch a glimpse of my eyebrows in the rearview mirror while the sun is streaming through the sunroof and realize that every single person who has seen me in the light of day has probably wondered if I have EVER seen a mirror. Then I'll scramble to get my tweezers out of the side pocket in my purse and pluck out the really long, dark ones before I go run the next errand. I think I've gotten my eyebrows threaded 2 times in 2010. Neither of those times were recent. Then there's the upper lip hair. I don't even want to talk about that. It's virtually invisible under our dim bathroom lights so I don't notice it until I'm out in public.
The last time I straightened or styled my hair? Again, weeks. Maybe months. Last haircut? July. Last one before that? At least another 5-8 months before that. Last color/dye job...also July (and it shows). So, in other words, I have worn my hair in a ponytail every.single.day for MONTHS. I'm so ashamed of that, but secretly glad that it's long enough to do it. Last pedicure? Hmm. Maybe July, but there's a good chance that I just painted my toenails myself.
Last time I bought a new outfit? July (and that was one single solitary dress. on sale at Target for $14). Currently I have a rotation of about 4 pairs of pants and twice as many shirts (mostly hoodies) that I wear. I hate every piece of clothing I own. I hate getting dressed. I hate checking my reflection in the mirror before I leave. Will I ever be that cute mom that makes someone else think I've really got it together?
Why did I do so well in July? I didn't, really. Everything was done on the same day for an exciting anniversary dinner to The Melting Pot. The best part? My husband didn't even notice. Just a general "you look nice." Nice? Whatever. So much for knocking his socks off. Thank goodness he loves me for me and not for being h-o-t-t because I'm afraid I'd let him down on a daily basis.
But forget his socks, I want to knock my own socks off sometimes. When I see the bags under my eyes and the increasingly obvious wrinkles on my face...my hands... I wonder is this the end? Kids must officially think I'm old. Now that I'm a mom, is this how it's always going to be? I was never, ever a fashionista or a knockout but I used to have days where I felt cute. Even pretty at times. I couldn't tell you the last time I felt pretty. Well, that one day July I guess. Before that...hmm....
To add to all of the stuff that I could control, if I ever made time for it, there are the (not-so-)fun things that come with being pregnant that I have absolutely no control over. MY ZITTY FOREHEAD for example. I thought you were supposed to glow with raidance when you got into the second trimester. I'm glowing with oily skin and big shiny red things that would make Rudolph green with envy. Sometimes I only get around to brushing my teeth once a day. That won't give you any extra confidence, I promise. I've been known to wear my glasses for a week or more because I didn't make time or have the energy to put in my contacts.
My weight hasn't sky-rocketed out of control so that's one thing I've got going for me. Not that anyone would notice, on top of everything else. I need to do something for me. Something to make myself feel pretty. Or just normal.
Making the time to do all this stuff is hard. Justifying spending money on material things for myself isn't easy for me. I just feel that these things are low on the priority totem pole when there are so many other things to think about right now.
Good thing my baby is cute. Otherwise, I don't think anyone would notice me at all.