filed under: most embarrassing moment #37,428

Once I peed in my oldest kid’s sippy cup.

Then I lost him at the mall.

Now I’ve taught him bad words. Oh, and you can add "dropping his little brother on the concrete sidewalk" to the list of reasons why I win Best All-Around Mom.  

Picture it. Easter Weekend. 2014. 

(Real quick and then I’ll get to the point -- did you ever watch Golden Girls? Do you remember when Sophia used to say “Picture it. Sicily. 1923” or some other year before telling stories about when she was young? No?  Right. Just me then? Okay…that’s what I figured anyway). 

We visited Ryan's sister in Cincinnati for the weekend.  We were walking through Newport on the Levee and I was carrying Dexter because he was still tired after napping in the car.  We were on a mission. We were hungry. We were ready and excited to eat lunch at Tom+Chee (have you been? LOVE).

This lady (me) trips and goes flying through the air (not really, I kind of vaguely remember my feet going into auto-pilot, shuffling on the ground as I attempted to save myself and my baby son). My thought process was something like “I’m falling I’m falling wait maybe I’m catching myself no I’m for sure falling…” before there was a big SPLAT.

Next thing I know, I am lying on top of Dexter on the sidewalk and our group, who was walking ahead of me, turns around and starts saying things – I’m guessing along the lines of “are you okay?” but I really don't recall specifics. I sat up and picked up Dexter, who was screaming, sure that he had a broken bone or massive bleed but there were no signs of injury.  I was in shock and pain and stood up, quickly looking at my camera to see if it was destroyed. It also appeared fine.  What wasn’t fine, however, was the fiery sensation coming from my left hand and both knees.  My knees were bloodied but we couldn’t just stop moving so we found a bench that was coincidentally in front of Tom+Chee (which was closed for remodeling for THREE days – why? Why, why, why on Easter weekend? Why on any weekend? Why on the only weekend I was in town and wanted to go there?).  I sat down and fell again - only this time it was into a deep well of self-pity. I wanted to cry, it hurt so bad. Ryan came back with some wet paper towels to blot the dirt and blood.

Theo. Sweet, innocent, little bitty baby Theo (okay, okay. I know he’s 4 – shut up. He’s still little). He was concerned about his injured mama. He came over to me and squatted down in front of me, wincing. Looking over my boo boos with great care not to get to close or touch them. Then he said it. Sooo softly, he said it.

“F*ck, mommy.”

Hmm? I said “WHAT?!”

He shook his head no and said “nothing! I didn’t say anything.”

I looked at Ryan and he shook his head as well. “He didn’t hear that from me!”

I looked at Theo again. Gently, I asked, “where did you hear that?  It’s okay. I’m not mad. I was just wondering where you heard that.”

He looked at me and ever so quietly again said, “from you, mommy.”  ~insert shock and horror on my face here~ He continued, “when you fell,” pointing to my knees.

WHOOPS.

Well shit. I mean, "jumping jellyfish" or something else more appropriate. Apparently I say bad words when I go flying through the air, drop my baby, and then land on top of him, while injuring myself in the process.

Whatever. I didn’t mean to. SO that whole lunch episode was pretty much a bust (literally, snort snort). End of story.  And that's the tale of how I taught my 4 year old the F-bomb.

With that out of the way, it’s time for some reflection to ponder the remarkable, innate, motherly instinct within.  It is mind-boggling to me that Dexter did not have a single scratch on him. I don’t think I’m some sort of super-mom or anything, but in the midst of that chaos, clearly my natural instinct was to protect him. I don’t remember thinking anything along the lines of protecting him (apparently it was just “oh f*ck I’m falling and holding Dexter and these things are happening simultaneously) but I did.  How did I not slam his head on the concrete when I fell and landed on top of him?  I DON’T KNOW, other than adrenaline and natural instinct kicked in. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around that. I wish I could replay the whole 3 second debacle over and over to see what my body did in that situation while my mind was in panic mode. Oddly enough, it makes me more confident in my mothering abilities. It makes me feel like more of a mama bear than I already did.  I freakin’ excel under pressure. 

Well – aside from that whole language thing that I should probably work on.

xo,

~C~

theo's struggle

When Theo was about 6 months old, we decided it was time to stop swaddling him at night. He loved it, but if I remember right, he was just getting too big for even the largest size and was strong enough to bust out of them.  He loved his pacifier more than he loved being swaddled.  Little did we know, there would be something he loved more than both of those things combined.

His thumb. 

As soon as he broke out of those swaddles, he found his thumb, dropped the pacifier, and never looked back.  Initially, we half-heartedly pulled his thumb out of his mouth whenever he started sucking, but what can you really do?  A kid that wants to suck his thumb is going to suck his thumb.  He was just a baby, after all.  

Until he wasn't.

Last year right before his 3rd birthday, he visited the dentist for the first time. We'd noticed that his front two teeth were being pushed forward gradually. The dentist noticed too, but told us that he just needed to stop by the time he got his permanent teeth.  No pressure on us and little to no pressure on Theo.  We started talking to him about it regularly but didn't push. Just told him that he needed to stop because it was going to hurt his big boy teeth. We also pointed out that his left thumb is dry and calloused as a result of all the sucking.  

In the past couple of months, he's said that he wants to stop sucking his thumb. He even asked us to put a band-aid on it before bed a couple of times, but then took it right off.  We didn't want to do anything mean in order to make him stop.  We explained that thumb-sucking is typically considered something that babies do and even though we know he's not a baby, there might be kids at school or other places that say mean things about it if he continues.  Normally, he'll grab his favorite blanket, put it near his face and start sucking his thumb while holding a bunched section of the blanket in the same hand.  When asked why he's sucking his thumb, he'll say "because my blanket's fluffy." The soft texture of his blanket goes hand-in-hand with this urge to suck his thumb.

As his 4th birthday is approaching, we've been talking about it with him. He'll say "when I'm 4 years old, I'm gonna..." We'll say "you know what else is going to happen when you're 4?  You're going to stop sucking your thumb! Yay!"  He's agreed to stop, but never showed any signs of being ready. 

Until last weekend. 

While I was out of town, he told Ryan to throw his favorite blanket away because he wants to stop sucking his thumb, but the blanket makes him.  Ryan put the blanket away in our closet and Theo never asked for it the rest of the weekend.  On Monday night we were heading home from the gym when Theo said to me, "Mommy, I miss my green kanket."  I played dumb. "Oh? What do you mean? What happened to it?" He told me that he'd given it to daddy because he wanted to stop sucking his thumb. I asked what daddy did with it and he replied "I told him to throw it away but I don't think he did because every time I look in the trash, it's not there!"  

My heart melted, picturing my sweet kid quietly and secretly checking the trash several times a day to see if his favorite blanket had been thrown in with the garbage.  I asked him what he thought happened to his blanket and he said he didn't know but that he was going to talk to Daddy about it. 

He didn't mention it the rest of the night Monday but Tuesday morning, he asked Ryan for it.  He promised he wouldn't suck his thumb and that he just wanted to hold green kanky while watching a movie. Ryan quickly gave in. 

Tuesday night after the boys were fast asleep, I snuck into their room to steal a peek at them.  Theo wasn't sucking his thumb. I felt incredibly proud and a little emotional to think that he was taking this seriously, like such a big boy.  He suddenly seemed so mature and dedicated to his goal.  I kissed both of their heads and went back to the living room to report my findings to Ryan. 

Thursday night, I did the same, but my findings were different. Theo was sucking his thumb. I pulled his wrist and instinctively, he started sucking and pulled his thumb back into his mouth.  In a split second, his eyes shot open and he pulled his thumb out of his mouth and stuck his hand under his pillow.  He looked at me and said "I wasn't sucking my thumb!"  I told him it was okay and to try again.  He said "I'm still tired, mommy," and I reassured him that he still had plenty of time to sleep. 

So in almost a week, that's the only time I've seen him sucking his thumb and the only time I'm aware of him sucking his thumb.  I asked him once or twice if he sucked his thumb at naptime and he denied it so although I really have no way of knowing, there's just something about this process that's bittersweet. 

I've had people suggest putting little braces or gross tasting solutions on his thumb.  I know that he does this for comfort and self-soothing, and while I know he truly needs to stop, I couldn't bring myself to use anything but reason to help him.  He genuinely wants to stop, and based on what I have seen so far, I think he will.  

Was your child a thumb-sucker? Until what age?  

How did you help him/her stop? 

xo

~C~

it was a circus, alright.

I got an email back in July offering advanced ticket sales for the circus, which was in town this past weekend.  As December grew closer, I began looking forward to taking the boys to the circus and watching their faces light up with each act, more fascinating than the one before. 

Saturday morning rolled around and Ryan and I briefly discussed how to tell them about the circus without putting much thought into it. We agreed to simply say that we had a fun surprise for them. Instantly, they were excited. They cooperated through the process of everything that has to be done to just get out of the door and we were on our way by 10am.  During the short drive downtown, Theo asked repeatedly what the surprise was.  "Is it a toy?"  "Is it a Lego?" "Are we going to a store?"  "Are you taking us to the Lego store?"  We answered "no, this is a different kind of surprise - a show."

When we arrived at the arena, Theo asked what this place was called. I told him and he said "I hate this place."

Ohhh. Kaaaay.  Cool.

They were of course captivated by all the obnoxious toys and other overpriced sundries around every corner. We found our seats and started right off with some very affordable (no, I'm kidding) cotton candy.  I thought this would cheer Theo up and get him in the mood for the show.  Once the show started, it held their attention for moments at a time.  For the most part though, Theo asked every few minutes if it was over, if it was time to go, or if we could go home yet.

One of very few photos taken at the circ-tastrophe.

Dexter watched more of the show than Theo did. I feel like Dexter watched more of the show than I did. I was either taking someone to the bathroom or trying to manage someone's embarrassing/ungrateful/obnoxious behaviors.  Total fail.  Complete disappointment.

I wasn't the only one that felt that way.  In the car, Theo started whining and complaining about every little thing.  It was only a matter of time before he started directing his mood at Dexter.  I take issue with this because it happens all too often and Dexter is undeserving 95% of the time.  Theo was calling Dexter mean names and Dexter was starting to complain and whine too.

I couldn't even tell you how many times we asked Theo nicely to stop before he flipped our switches and Ryan and I both SNAPPED.  I yelled at him.  Ryan yelled at him.  He was crying and yelling, Dexter was crying and yelling.  Ryan told him not to say another word the rest of the way home (maybe 5 minutes tops) and he continued to scream "I WANNA TALK!!"  By this point every one of us was upset.

We got the boys inside and eventually to bed for their naps.  I leaned against the counter in the kitchen and cried into my hands.  What a failure.  The circus. This day. This parenting.  It's far from daily, or even weekly, that I freak out and yell at my kids but when I do, I hate myself for it.  I know it happens. I know it's pretty normal. I also feel disgusted and guilty about it.  How can I expect them to express themselves appropriately when I am screaming at the top of my lungs in an attempt to get my point across?

As they slept, I started thinking.  My Mother-in-Law texted me to ask how they liked it.  I explained that they (mainly Theo) were not as impressed as we'd hoped.  That he must have thought "surprise" meant something else. A toy. A new Lego.  She said my nephew Spencer was the same way around that age and thought he was getting a Thomas the Train car if someone said "surprise."  At that moment I realized that some simple thought and explanation could have done two things: 1 - Prepared them for what we were getting ready to do and 2 - Prevented this whole, big, dumb, stupid mess.

I read an article maybe 6-8 weeks ago that has stuck with me.  Someone had posted it on Facebook. The title caught my attention and has remained in my mind ever since then. 10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling At My Kids. Please take a moment and read it if you haven't already. I can relate to so many of the bullet points that this author shares.

After the circus fiasco, not much time passed before I witnessed a father yelling at his daughter for breaking a glass at our mutual friend's party.  He didn't really "flip out," for lack of a better term, but it was enough to give me that bad, sad feeling in my stomach.  My instant mental reaction was "hey dude, I know that you're embarrassed that she did that but she's just a kid, she's your baby girl - and you sound a little scary right now."  PAUSE.  Reality punched my face.  Yeah.  If I thought he was a little scary, then what in all hell do my kids think when I unleash my frustration on them in the form of yelling ... when no one else is watching?

Holy crap.

I can stop yelling.  I know I can.  I don't yell at them in public. I want strangers to believe that I'm a loving mom. I don't yell at them in front of my friends.  I want my friends to believe that I'm a loving mom. The boys sure don't stop pissing me off in public or in front of my friends, so I've figured out some coping skill to refrain from showing my poor parenting choice when I have an audience. I want to be that loving mom when it's super hard and my only audience is my most important audience - my boys.  I don't scream at adults when they upset me.  Why do I think it's okay to let my emotions run rampant on my own flesh and blood - precious, tiny little humans that I chose to willingly and lovingly bring into this world?  Puke...I can't do it anymore.

All else taken into consideration - yelling doesn't help.  If the kids are yelling, me joining in only escalates the situation.

I want to stop yelling.  I have to stop yelling.  I will stop yelling. I'm making it my biggest priority in 2014.  I will make it 365 days without screaming at my kids.  Join me?

xo,
~C~

what do you know about stuttering?

Late last week, Ryan mentioned to me that he thought Dexter was stuttering. Over the weekend, I started paying more attention and noticed that he really does start his sentences with a repeated sound...a lot.

I-I-I-I-I-I wanna go home.

We-we-we-we-we-we're the going to the movies.

Y-y-y-y-you can't do that.

It's not every sentence and it's not all the time.  But he does do it a lot.  He seems to do it when Theo's talking and he's also trying to be heard, or when he's very excited.  But outside of those two scenarios, he still does it at other times as well.

I mentioned it to one of the providers at their sitter today and she said she had noticed it too (and probably thought I was an idiot for not mentioning it/noticing it sooner).  I know I've heard him do it before but I can't pinpoint when it started.  I don't even know if it's gotten that much worse recently or if I just didn't pay attention.  MOTY award coming this way.  Anyway, they watch a lot of kids that are roughly the same age, so I asked her if she thought it was fairly common.  She said no.

So I recalled and looked up an article written by my friend and Speech Language Pathologist, Mindi, and instantly felt more at ease.  Thanks to her, I've placed him somewhere between developmental and mild stuttering.  He's definitely repeating sounds at the beginning of a sentence more than 2-3 times, but I haven't noticed any facial tightening when this happens.  I'm not even sure he realizes he is doing it.  If we tell him to repeat after us, and say whatever he stuttered slowly, he's able to say the same thing without the stutter.  I'm very optimistic that this will be a short-term problem (if you'd even call it a problem) and that he'll soon outgrow it.

No doubt in my mind, this cutie bear's big brain is working way faster than his little mouth is processing.

Now I'm so curious to know how many people I know who have kids that briefly stuttered around this age as well.  Anyone?

xo,
~C~

blue in the face

That's how much we've talked about this daycare situation.  Til we're blue in the face.

Pretty shortly after our babysitter told us she's closing, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to go the home babysitter route going forward.  Nothing against her or the experience we've had there.  To the contrary, actually.  For one, she has been unbelievably reliable and has exceeded all of our expectations.  She doesn't turn the t.v. on and sit them in front of it. EVER. She has had a schedule/routine and planned-out days since the boys were both infants and has tailored learning activities to their level ever since. I don't expect to find any of that with another home babysitter.  And there's the obvious possibility of another babysitter deciding that this is something she no longer wants to do. I don't want to risk putting ourselves in this situation again.  We accepted that we were vulnerable to that possibility when we chose a home babysitter, but I think that it had worked out so well up to this point that we never considered her closing a potential problem.

But.  She is doing what she has to do for her family as they move forward to the next stage of life.  So, since the decision has been made for us, it seems like the appropriate time to make the transition to a daycare/pre-school center.  We visited and toured 5 centers on Tuesday.  Two had waiting lists.  One of those two was immediately off the list because... well, it was disgusting.  I don't know how or why any parent would feel good about dropping their child off there.  It was fine from the outside. Nice-looking brick building and playground in a fenced in area behind the building. The inside was gross, the staff seemed did not seem friendly, professional, or knowledgeable. The director's office was repulsive.  I wanted to leave as soon as we walked through the front door.  So that was an easy cut.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the one that was probably our first choice was obviously the most expensive.  I don't want to sound like a big cheap-o because OF COURSE their care, education, safety, and happiness is paramount and worth all the money in the world.  However, we do not possess all the money in the world and if we did, I sure as hell would not be working just to pay for their damn daycare.  Okay, got that out of my system.  So, that place is pretty much off the list.

Down to three.

One is an "educational center."  It has an official pre-school program, before and after school care, and summer care for children up to age 12.  The kind of place where there is a sense of peace of mind just because it's regarded in the community as a quality facility. We were not overwhelmed with warm fuzzies for the building or the director.  Upon further consideration, I think we decided the building was fine. The hang-up we had was that the 3yr olds and up basically shared one large open space that was more or less divided by coat racks and bookshelves.  Doesn't seem like the most conducive environment for 3 year olds.  Aside from that, they have a waiting list.  The problem with the waiting list is that they can't seem to be able to tell us how long the waiting list IS.  Are we talking weeks, months, or years? That's all I want to know, so we can decide if this is even a real possibility. We don't have 6 months to decide.  Obviously if we decide to go there, we will be on a waiting list so we need to figure out care in the interim.

The next viable option is an older facility that I have gotten a few mixed reviews on. A couple of people's primary concern was that the building is not secure.  In other words, it was the only one out of five daycares that you can just walk right into and stroll through the building. Of course, they ask that you sign in when you get there but I had a friend who went there once and waited. And waited. Then wandered around the building looking for someone.  I'm just kind of picturing this place being ran by hippies. There's a very different approach here.  It's on 10+ acres, in the woods, and I think that makes it unique and special on it's own. They do take some really neat field trips. They have a pool and in the summer, the kids get to swim 40 minutes a day. They do have an official pre-school program during the school year.  But the building.  I don't know how else to describe it but dilapidated.  I imagine that the place needs some serious repairs.  Another parent took her child there 20 years ago and was not satisfied at all.  Valuable information since the place is family owned and operated and has been this entire time, but a lot can change in 20 years.  I wasn't super duper encouraged by my limited interactions with the staff/teachers. They have programs for kids up to age 12, so summer care would not be a problem there even after they went to elementary school.

And finally, the third place was kind of a spur of the moment thing that I remembered as we were heading back home after seeing the other four places.  We were warmly greeted as soon as we walked in the door by the assistant director and she happily gave us a tour, was very knowledgeable, and spent a lot of time with us, explaining things and allowing us to observe the classes.  The kids were eating lunch and transitioning to naptime while we were there so we didn't really observe any "teaching" but the staff were friendly and I liked the assistant director a lot.  Every place we went, I asked "will the boys ever see each other?" Most commonly, the answer was "in passing" or "not really."  Um? These kids have been attached at the hip since the day Dexter was born. I'm having a hard time with this. I know it's going to happen when Theo goes to Kindergarten but for Pete's sake, that's two years away.  At this last center, the assistant director smiled and nodded and said she understood. That if either of them seemed to be having a rough day, they would pull both of them and let them have some "brother time" to just play or be around each other.  Also, they would play together on the playground at the end of the day.  Negatives?  There's no pre-school.  And there's no care after Theo goes off to Kindergarten. So after he finished Kindergarten, we'd have to find some other new place to take both of them. I know it's three years away and things might be different then, but it's something we think about and consider.  The teachers are not degreed (licensed, I guess but don't have college degrees).  I'm not saying someone needs to have a college education to be qualified to watch my kids, but this place was a little more expensive than the educational center that was accredited, etc., with degreed and licensed teachers that use specific curriculum in their classrooms.  I liked their outdoor play area better than any of the other centers, aside from the one on the huge wooded lot.  They don't do any field trips.  I don't think field trips are super important to me, I guess there are pros and cons to field trips. I kind of get the creeps thinking about anyone but me or someone very close to me driving my kids around and fastening them in carseats, etc.

Anyway -- tough choices. I think we just need to go back and observe, interact, and spend some more time before we decide what to do.  How important is the secure entry?  Warm, fuzzy feeling from the staff?  Official pre-school program?  What are the requirements to call yourself a pre-school or can any facility say they have a pre-school? I have no clue.  We're pretty lost.  We just keep talking and pushing and pulling and trying to figure out which one of our high priorities is our number one priority.

We will have to figure it out, and figure it out soon.  If not for the boys' safety, educations, and happiness, then for my own sanity.  I didn't know one lady could analyze, obsess, stress, or worry about something like this so much in one day.  For 5 days in a row. I need a resolution so I can rest a little bit.  This not knowing is going to drive me mad.

xo,
~C~

i didn't, but then i did + sad news

I registered for the Race Away from Domestic Violence 5k a few weeks ago, expecting to have finished the Couch to 5k program by now and expecting nice, clear weather on June 1st at 8am.

A few things happened to the contrary. I got sick with strep about 5-6 weeks ago and never fully got back on track with Couch to 5k.  I still gave myself enough time to finish C25k (barely), but then I got a cold about a week and a half ago.  From Week 1, Day 1, I vowed to repeat any failed workout until I succeeded. I never failed a single workout until Week 9 Day 1. P.S. It's a 9 week program.  So that was last Sunday...I was supposed to run 30 minutes without stopping but I was so congested that I couldn't breathe.  I only made it 15 minutes.

Tuesday we went to Kings Island. Thursday I went to the Tim McGraw concert after receiving a last minute invitation. Things happened and the week got away from me.  By Friday, I still hadn't tried again and the weatherman was predicting thunderstorms during the race.  He didn't lie.  I set the alarm for six a.m. and watched the news for thirty minutes. I didn't see anything about a cancellation but I just didn't have the heart or desire to run in the rain. Especially not knowing deep down if I'd be able to finish.  The furthest I'd ran before was 2.4 miles (without stopping) and the longest time being 28 minutes.

The other thing that happened -- very unexpectedly, our babysitter told us last night that she is closing her doors. My heart sank and I literally felt like I was going to puke as she was explaining. As soon as I understood what she meant by "closing," my mind was going a million miles a minute.  She was talking but I was only half-hearing.  The boys were trying to walk out the door and I was trying not to cry. As soon as the door closed behind me, I burst into tears.  Theo told me all the way home that everything was going to be alright, although he had no understanding of what had just happened. A bomb went off in our happy little world.  She gave a million reasons with which I can find no fault.  I know it's not personal.  But it feels personal.  It feels like a break-up when you've done everything you can do to keep someone happy but it's not enough. It feels like she's breaking up with our kids. Like they weren't good enough. Like they did something wrong.  Again, I know it's not personal.  None of the reasons she gave had anything to do with us, but everything to do with her family and personal life. But from day one, she said that she was committed to seeing our families through to Kindergarten.  We stayed in the same geographical area when we bought our home based largely on that. Knowing all the while, that we were completely vulnerable and that this could happen any day of the week.  Knowing all the while, that priorities change. Life circumstances change.  That promises can be broken and there's not a thing you can do to change it. She made a big decision to better her family's life.  I can't be upset with her, but naturally and selfishly, I'm upset and saddened by the situation that it leaves us in.

So I spent all of Friday night crying and processing. Worrying and wondering.  Fearful of the future. Sick over the uncertainty. Searching online and making a list of people and places to call come Monday morning.  I couldn't sleep last night and when the alarm went off at 6am this morning, I sure was not in the mindset to toss aside my worries and go run in the rain for the sake of saying I ran a 5k.

She's giving us 4 weeks to find alternative care.  We're thankful for that but so much remains unknown for now.  It's just been a gloomy kind of weekend.

After gorging myself on Mexican food for dinner tonight, I told myself to snap out of it.  I knew I'd eaten way more than My Fitness Pal would appreciate and I needed to do something to make up for it.  At 8pm I decided that even though I didn't make it to the 5k 12 hours earlier, I had everything I needed to run a 5k right then.  I put on my shoes, grabbed my iPod and I ran.  I ran and ran and ran.  I ran fast then I slowed down.  Waaay down. I sped up and slowed down. Over and over.  I sung. I focused on my breathing. I felt my feet hitting the ground. Ankle, knee, and side pains came and went.  I focused on the sky and the lines on the sidewalk before me.  I ran and ran and ran until I'd gone 3.2 miles.  Just over 5k in just under 40 minutes.  The furthest and longest I've ever ran.  It felt good to accomplish it, even if there was no crowd. No tag with a number to pin to my shirt. No official time. No one to high 5 me at the finish line.  I did it for myself. Now I know that I can.

Still sad? Of course.  But life moves on.  We all keep progressing.  Our babysitter told me to focus on the positive.  It will be good for Theo to be around older kids.  I know it will be fine, but it just doesn't feel that way right now because I just don't know what to do or where to go.  We have a big search and a big decision ahead of us.  It's hard and stressful and anxiety-provoking.  It's time to figure it out, though, so that's what we will do.

xo,
~C~

toddler behavior fun

Theo has been a bit of a handful at times lately.  In case you don't know what that means, it's a gross understatement.  Use your imagination.  I literally started reading parenting classes curriculum in search of some magical remedy, not to mention wondering what the heck we've done so wrong thus far with discipline and whatnot.  He's just a moody, sensitive child that needs structure, routine, and hard rules sometimes. Dexter has never been that way. At Dexter's 2 year check-up we told the doctor that Dexter has been a breeze (as far as behavior is concerned) compared to Theo.  He was surprised that Dexter wasn't in the midst of full-blown Terrible 2s and we said "hey, don't jinx us dude."  Or something like that.

Well, well, well, well.

March 2013

Mr. Dexy Poo has been giving us a run for our money these last few days.  Crazy fits, ear-piercing screams, not listening, telling us he does things "because I want to" after we ask him why he's throwing this or breaking that, etc.  It's been a little nutso.  Luckily, Theo has been a dream this lovely long weekend.  Helpful, sweet, and so smart. I think he's really matured a lot lately. His thought process has been changing.  His understanding of more complex matters is increasing.  It's so fascinating to observe and participate in all these changes.  Good thing, because I don't think I could handle tantruming toddlers x2.

Sunday morning we were trying to get out the door and Dexter was underfoot in the kitchen. The kid would NOT get out of my way.  He was opening and slamming every cabinet door and drawer.  I sternly told him to stop or leave the kitchen and he started screaming back at me. WHO IS THIS KID?  Theo walked over to him and patted his back and said "Dexter, Dexter, don't do that.  Be nice. I'm trying to save you."  I had to laugh and ask Theo what he was saving Dexter from.  "Getting in trouble," he said with a smile.  He's becoming such a good big brother.

Dexter is now just shy of 2 years and 1 month old and we've seen no sign of a 2 year molar yet.  But he's super crabby and protests toothbrush time pretty consistently so fingers are crossed here for some big ugly teeth making their way through sometime soon.

March 2013. Can someone please remind me why I chopped their hair off??

Brothers.  Best pals.

 xo,
~C~

my 3 year old won't poop in the potty

He never has.  We've tried bribery.  We've tried being stern (once...I didn't like it).  He still refused.  He's smart and sneaky.  He still wears a diaper at night and for naps, so he will hold it until he has one on.  Usually, ten minutes after he lays down for a nap, he will announce that he has pooped.  We've promised him a trip to the ice cream store when he finally drops a deuce.  Still, nothing. 

On the rare occasion when he doesn't nap or poo around nap time, he will simply ask for a diaper.  Obviously he feels the sensation and knows exactly what is going on.  He's capable.  I just don't know if he's scared, if he doesn't know how to relax, or if it is just defiance (I really don't think it's defiance).  Maybe he's just nervous or doesn't know how to make it come out.  He's tried several times but gets frustrated before he ever really relaxes. He can't sit there calmly.

After reading about the 3 day method several different places, I'm tempted to try it.  Cold turkey. No diapers.  Truthfully, the reason I haven't done this yet is because I don't really want to get up in the middle of the night 8 times to change his sheets.  He has never-ever-not-once woken up dry in the morning.  However, he hasn't had an accident the 3 or 4 times someone has forgotten to put a diaper on him at nap time.  This tells me we might be successful with this cold-turkey method.  But if there were no diapers, would he just poop in his underwear?  Or would he poop in the potty?  Knowing my kid, he would hold it until his bowels popped... 

We talked to the doctor about this Monday and he suggested gradually training him rather than taking the diapers away all at once.  He thinks it is fine to bribe him with treats, stickers, etc.  Whatever does the trick.  (He also promised that Theo would not be pooping in a diaper when he's 16...we'll see).  So with his theory, we allow him to poop in the diaper but he has to stand in the bathroom for a week or so (however long it takes him to get comfortable with that).  Then the following week, he has to stand next to the toilet.  The next week, he sits on the toilet (with diaper on).  Finally, we would remove the diaper and sit him on the toilet.  Does this seem like, well, babying him too much?  Or is taking the comfort of his diaper away cold turkey inhumane? 

I just keep going back and forth and I need some advice. 

Your thoughts?

xo,
~C~

twenty.thirteen

I haven't blogged since the day before Thanksgiving and I'll tell you why. It's dumb.  It's not that I haven't had time. It's not that I haven't wanted to.  It's not that I haven't had things to say.  The last time I blogged, I tried to upload several photos and I got a big, fat, ugly error message from Blogger saying I had met my capacity for photos on this website. Whuuuut.  I didn't even know that was a thing.  So yeah, I know I can blog without photos, but I don't want to.  This is the place where I have been sharing and storing the scrapbook of my kids' lives.  i didn't know that was going to happen and I'm so blog-dumb that I don't even know what to do.  Just not sure I want to pay Google to let me continue posting pictures on here.  I don't even know what my options are.  So.  I've just been turned off about blogging.  There are loads of pictures from Thanksgiving, my nephew's 8th birthday, my sister's baby shower, and Christmas on my camera, just waiting for their home on this blog.  I've got a lot of catching up to do, once I figure out how/what to do.  I guess this should be one of my resolutions, right?

But this is January 1, 2013, so it's time to move on and get back in the swing of things.  Last year I attempted a Project 365...taking/editing/posting a photo each day. Failed after about 100+ days.  It was fun and I really loved it because it forced me to pull the camera out EVERY DAY.  Now, weeks go by without me using my fancy camera to take a picture of the boys.  I try to catch a cute pic here and there on my phone and post them to Instagram but we all know that's not the same. 

There are so many things I want/need to improve in 2013.  It's a long, long list and I know it's unrealistic to believe I can make a dent in so many areas of my life.  Instead of calling them resolutions, let's call them areas for improvement. 

--------------------------

~My Health~

My body...Top priority.  Simply put:  I've let myself go.  I've never been super pre-occupied with my appearance (and it shows).  My current concern is about more than how I look.  I weigh about three pounds less than I weighed the day I gave birth to Dexter.  YUCK. I feel disgusting.  2012 was stressful; it was all about selling our old house and buying a new one.  We spent a lot of time working on the house and eating fast food.  I also quit nursing in March.  There are lots of excuses, but the bottom line is that I've gained twenty pounds this year.  Twenty miserable pounds.  I don't like myself when I look in the mirror.  Partly because my clothes don't fit. Partly because I don't look or feel healthy.  But mainly because I'm ashamed of myself.  I feel like a failure.  Total loss of self-control.  If I can't/won't/don't take care of myself, how can I ever be an example for my kids of a healthy lifestyle?  I have become completely sedentary.  I'm exhausted all.the.time whether I sleep enough or not.  I'm powering my body with complete crap and I wonder why I feel like complete crap.  Why I look like complete crap.  Also, I have a predisposition for Type II Diabetes.  I had gestational diabetes with both pregnancies.  I don't want to drive down Diabetes Lane so the time is now to start moving towards healthier choices every day.  I have to make this a priority.  

Taking care of myself...I would add that I desperately need to take better care of my hygiene. Okay, that makes it sound like I'm gross and dirty.  What I need to do is floss daily....okay weekly would be an improvement.  I need to take my contacts out (because I rarely do).  I need to wash my face every night before I go to bed (because I'm tired of having teenager skin).  

~Personal/Recreational~

Blogging... I love doing it but I don't make time for it.  This relates to the one above, but after the kids go to bed at night, I'm so tired, fat, and lazy, that I end up laying on the couch with some dumb t.v. show on in the background while I play on my phone.  Facebook. Games.  Whatever.  Time wasters.  Sure, it's fun and I do enjoy those things to unwind but for hours?  That's pathetic and I know it.  I enjoy blogging and editing photos.  So why am I not doing that?  Laziness.  

Photography...I love pictures.  My fear is that my children will grow up and I won't remember their sweet faces, that mature so much from week to week and month to month.  I got a DSLR camera two years ago and have vowed ever since to learn how to use it in Manual. But I haven't and I don't.  I really want to do this for myself and for my kids.  I want to take pictures of my kids at least once a week and I want to start printing and framing up current photos of the boys more regularly.

Me time...I am terrible about budgeting time and money for myself.  I will spend on the boys and groceries and things for the house, but I rarely buy anything for myself.  New bras. Make up. Haircuts. Clothes. Massages.  The list goes on.  I do not take care of myself. Period.  I would hate my fashion sense if I had one.  The clothes hanging in my closet are a sad excuse for the wardrobe of a 32 year old professional woman.  I need to branch out, accessorize, and try some new styles every once in a while.

~Relationships~

Friends... I put so much energy into my family life that I have severely neglected other relationships.  This dumb texting generation has all but ended voice to voice conversations with my friends.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm the world's worst about picking up the phone and calling someone just to say hi or see how his or her day was.  It's come to the point that I'd just rather send a quick text so I can sit my phone down and go play with my kids or load the dishwasher or play Words With Friends and check to see if said friend has responded when it is convenient for me.  Even sending an email seems like too much to ask anymore. Takes too much time.  This is so sad to me and I'm so guilty of it.  I'd like to make a goal to call at least one person per week just to say hi...this does not include my hubby or mother, the two people that I do talk to on a regular basis.  In addition to calling them on the phone, I would like to make some time to spend time with friends WITHOUT kids.  I love playdates as much as the next crazy toddler mom, but there's something to be said for spending time with just grownups from time to time. 

Love... I do love my husband. Wow, just re-reading what I've already written here, it's safe to say that I don't put much effort into impressing him.  I think it's important to continue dating and flirting and trying to impress your spouse.  We're going on 10(!!!) years of marriage in 2013 and still going strong.  I love our life together with the kids.  But our life as a couple leaves a lot to be desired.  Our lives revolve around our kids.  I know they will not be little for long but maintaining the spark we had before they came along has to take priority at some point.  Because ... they won't be little for long.  We won't live with them forever.  We will live with each other forever so we need to like, not just love, each other forever.  Don't get me wrong, our relationship is not troubled. We are fine.  But we can't let life get in the way so much that we don't ever feel the way we did 10 years ago.  We need to go on a date at least 1 time each month.  Even if it's just a couple of hours.  We need to be able to stare at each other, hold hands while we walk through the mall, and hug in the middle of the store for no reason.  Instead of always catching that sippy cup Dexter just launched before it hits the waitress.  Instead of pushing the stroller or chasing Theo through the furniture store.  So I need some help on this one.  I need some babysitters to watch these kids every once in a while so we can just have an evening to just. BE. without being stressed.  I am totally up for a kid swap with friends...take turns watching the others' kids to get a date night in?  Any takers?

~Household~

Organization... I want to organize and de-clutter this house.  Get rid of junk that has no purpose.  I read a good tip on facebook....turn all of your hangers around the wrong way but hang them up correctly after laundering and in a year (I think it said six months but I'd give it a year), any clothes that are still backwards get donated.  I'm good about going through the boys clothes and cleaning out their dressers, but that's because they are perpetually outgrowing.  I'm terrible about doing this with my clothes.  I want to throw away trash (mail) daily and keep our bill-paying area clean. I don't want to waste another second in search of stamps, checks, or envelopes. Yes, we still pay a lot of our bills by mail.  Nutty, right!?

Groceries & Cooking... I really, really, really, really (is four reallys enough to get the point across?) want to start menu planning and grocery shopping accordingly. I recently started doing some grocery shopping online  and I LOVE this.  You can review what's in your cart and how much you are spending before you check out -- something I am TERRIBLE about at the store.  You can print off coupons and use them before your delivery -- I always forget coupons when I go to the store.  Also, they deliver the groceries right to your countertops... priceless in the blizzard we had last week!  Anyway, I want to use a lot less boxed/frozen/processed stuff and a whole lot more ingredients in what my kids (and us grown ups too) eat.  

Style.... this kind of goes along with the fashion thing I mentioned before.  I don't know what my decorating style/taste is.  I see a million things on Pinterest or displays in stores that I love but I have no idea how to create a comprehensive design for my home.  I have a huge canvas but no clue what to do with it.  I want my house to have a wow factor when people see it for the first time.  Not just a oh, this is a big room, but a WOW, how cool and unique and colorful and fabulous. We are not anywhere close to that.  Just something I want to work on a little bit at a time this year. 

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And with all of that being said, and if you are still reading, thank you.  And I'm sorry for being absent for the last six weeks.  I'm going to try to do better.  I don't even know where to start with all of this, but I'm thinking about joining the gym again.  Gotta start somewhere.  Any help, support, fingers crossed, well wishes, etc. would be appreciated.  

happiest new year to you,

~C~

our house: there's more to the story

I was waiting to see what happened before I talked about this, but I guess it's okay now.  I hope it's okay now.

So...flashback to July 27, 2012.  The day we closed on our house.  We had mixed feelings about the house. We went to closing.  As we were walking up to the building, we (sorta) jokingly said, "let's run. What if we don't go in?"  We knew that the house needed SO much work.  A complete remodel.  We signed our names a billion times and the house was ours.  Then, the seller sat back in his chair and told us, long story short, that the basement leaked.  The finished basement leaked.  The same basement they referred to on the sales disclosure that said there was no history of moisture in the basement.  We asked a couple of questions...no one seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary.  We were shocked and to be honest, the gravity of what that man said didn't really sink in at the time.  It would take a couple of hours.

We left closing and went to the house.  It felt good walking up to the door and turning the lock with my key. Our key.  It felt good walking in.  It had potential.  Lots.

We went to a Japanese steakhouse for lunch to celebrate and then to a home improvement store to buy some new locks.  Always the first thing you do when you buy a new house, right?  It started raining while we were in the store - we left there and went straight to the house.  We went down to the basement and there it was.  A puddle of water in the corner beneath the window.  UN. BE. LIEVABLE.  Our hearts and stomachs sank.

We talked to realtors. Attorneys.  Friends.  Family.  We were devastated.  We found out that the basement was going to cost thousands and thousands of dollars to repair.  We sent a letter to the seller and they responded.  2+ months later.... I'm happy to say that we have cashed a check from them for the repairs and we didn't have to sue them. I don't know if it was out of kindness or fear that they settled outside of court.  Maybe both.  Doesn't matter.  All that matters now is that the basement repair people know what the heck they're doing and our basement doesn't leak anymore.  We had to remove carpet and drywall and decided to just let it sit unfinished throughout the winter to see if there is any more leaking.  Fingers crossed that we can actually use that additional 1,000+ square feet.  If we can't, then this house was a total waste of money and we should have followed our guts when we were walking through the door at closing.  Turn around. Run the other direction.

I guess we got lucky.  I am pleased that they agreed to pay.  There will always be the fear that the basement will leak again every time there is a big rain.

We still haven't moved in.  We are having carpet installed in the bedrooms this weekend and plan to move in sometime soon after that.  As soon as we can get things put away and furniture re-assembled.  I think Theo is starting to understand.  He knows that's our house, and that we're working on it to make it nice so we can live there.  I don't know what Dexter thinks about it...he just sees it as a big open space to run and play in.  That's really all we wanted for them anyway.

Wish us well...we need to be together as a family.  Working on the house and not spending a lot of time with the boys has been hard on all four of us.

The day we closed. 

After a storm on September 7th.

How our basement looks now.  Not exactly the vision we had for it.

I look forward to the day I can post pictures of our finished basement...many months from now.  

~C~

progress / no progress

Progress:  A little over three months ago, we moved in with Ryan's parents. Dexter was 12 (ish) months old so I figured it was time to wean him off of his bottle.  Oh, how he loved his bottle. During the transition of moving, I decided it was too much change and I didn't want to push it. I kept putting it off and putting it off until about three weeks ago. We had a couple of rough and inconsistent days, then he got sick, really sick, and I just wanted him to drink to stay hydrated.  I didn't care what he was drinking out of.  As soon as he was better, it was full steam ahead.  A rough few nights later, he totally adapted to the soft spout sippy cups and has not had a bottle for over two weeks now.  Success!

Nuk 10 oz learning cup

No progress:  Theo peed in the potty 3-4 months ago, too.  He has days and weeks of doing well, and then nothing.  Just a couple of weeks ago he declared that he wanted to wear underwears in the car.  I let him.  He did awesome. He did this a few days in a row and had no accidents.  Then he flipped the switch and turned it off.  That's what he does.  Days of underwears then weeks of refusal to wear them.  I don't know about this kid. Obviously he has the control to hold it and the ability to tell me when he has to go.  I think he's just lazy.

Progress / No Progress:  Theo has been throwing the world's worst tantrums all day every day (only a slight exaggeration) for the last couple of weeks, and they have been especially horrific the past 3 days.  So bad that I have cried the last two days.  I could go on for hours but let's just say I feel pretty worthless and ineffective as a mother.  I have felt like his behavior is somehow a reflection of my parenting.  Without making myself cry again, let me just say that the point of this paragraph is the "progress" part, which happened tonight, sometime between tantrums.  He let me look inside his mouth (I've been trying for a month but he wouldn't let me) and I found what I was looking for.  A two year molar that is all the way through, 2 that are about 3/4 of the way through, and 1 that is about 1/4 of the way through.  That makes me feel like maybe the teeth have SOMETHING to do with his terrible-ness, and it's not just his age that is making him so terrible.  I feel terrible saying that he has been terrible.  But he has been... terrible. 

post S'mores bath - he's cute when you give him chocolate

Progress: Dexter is talking more and more. He says short sentences.  They are very simple, usually beginning with "I want" and ending with "bottle," "food," "that," "ball," or whatever other object he sees.  But it's a start!  He even knows some of his colors.  He's fairly consistent pointing out blue, pink, and green already!  Theo picked up on colors really early too, so this must be something that we/our babysitter incorporate into casual conversation without even realizing it.  Exciting! I love it when they surprise me with their learning. 

Friday night, we visited the park near our new house!

Saturday night, post S'mores bath

Progress / No Progress:  I'm two weeks into my new job and I still love the company and the people but I'm in a weird spot with my actual position/work.  I'm still training.  But I've watched people do the same things over and over and over.  I'm kind of to the point where I cannot watch another person do the same thing again. I'm not going to learn anything else that way. I have to do it on my own.  I talked to my supervisor about it.  She agreed that I should try some things on my own; I did.  I couldn't remember how to do stuff, so I had to ask for help fifty times.  I felt dumb.  It's hard, going from being one of the smartest people at work to being, indisputably, the absolute dumbest.  

Progress, sorta:  Last weekend we emptied one of our storage units.  The smaller of the two.  We had hoped to be in our house by the end of August but that didn't happen.  We still have to finalize our flooring plans and get it done before we move in.  The new goal is by the end of September.  I do think it is realistic. I hope I'm not wrong.  The boys' bathroom is coming along really nicely.  I can't wait to post some pictures.  The bathroom is going to be black, white, and gray.  I am torn between choosing a really colorful shower curtain to pull color from, like this: 

{pottery barn kids}

Or going straight up b&w, with something like this (which I really, really love, but wonder if it's too blah for little kids):

{urban outfitters}

What do you think?  Opinions, people!

xo,

~C~

am i totally crazy for this?

One of our non-negotiables when looking for a house was that it would have four bedrooms.  All my close family and best friends live out of state so it's always been important to me that my guests have a nice place to lay their heads at night when they are visiting.

We bought a house with three bedrooms.  

It seemed natural at first that the older child would have the bigger of the bedrooms - we're talking about 30 square feet bigger - but that didn't feel right.  They're only 14 months apart anyway.  After thinking about it, we've decided to see how it goes, letting the boys share a room.  The room is about 13.5' x 13.5' and has plenty of room for two cute toddlers.  I guess my instinct is telling me that they play wherever the other one is, they go to bed at the same time, they get up at the same time...so why not?  Does this seem like a disaster in the making? 

Since we bought a house with just three bedrooms, this seems like a simple solution until the boys are older and express a desire for their own space.  There are some possibilities for a fourth bedroom either in the basement or unfinished attic space later on down the road.  

The only thing I worry about is bedtime.  When we move, we are giving Theo's crib to Dexter and getting rid of Dexter's.  Cold turkey.  Theo will have a new house, a new room, and a new bed.  Oh, and he'll be sharing his new room with his little brother.  Too much at once?  Anyway, I anticipate putting them in bed and then Theo getting out of bed 500 times while he is getting used to his new freedom.  Maybe I'll be wrong, I hope I am, but that's what I worry about the most.  

With them both being boys, playing with the same toys, and being so close in age, it just seemed like a good idea.  We shall see...I'll have to keep you posted on that one.  

Here are a few pictures of recent progress, starting with Dexter's crib bedding (from Amazon, last year's Kimberly Grant Zoom Zoom collection) and the new twin bedding I picked out for Theo (currently at Target).

The base colors - light gray and blue (with one row of tape, getting ready for stripes.

A couple of visitors came by to supervise our work. 

They approved.

They had fun playing with the used painter's tape.

Momma working on those stripes.

Finally - finished paint job and the old carpet is gone.

Momma working on the master bedroom.

Going to paint those window walls some other color - just haven't figure out which one yet. The color of the walls is a light aqua shade.  So pretty!  I'm thinking maaaybe red.  Too much?

If you google "red and aqua bedroom," there are so many inspirational images...oh my.  Here's one that I love.

{source}

Just realized I was ALL over the place with this. So here's the recap... am I crazy for making/letting the boys share a room?  And is red/aqua awesome or what? 

xo,
~C~

this is the hard part.

Since I've got two weeks off between jobs + a house that needs LOTS of work and updates, I've been spending as much time as possible at the house doing whatever I can to get it (more) ready for us to move in to.  That means getting up in the morning and getting the boys ready for the day, whether that means going to the babysitter's house or staying home with Nana, and then only seeing them for another hour or so each day.  This is the hard part.

I keep thinking it will all be worth it.  I have only been going at these long days for a week or so but I feel like it's been 10 years since I've spent any time with my kids and I really miss them.  I wonder if they think about me when I'm not around because they cross my mind 10 times a minute.  I know they're fine without me around.  But what do they think?  Do they miss me?  I'm looking forward to moving into our house and living there as a family.  Dinners there, baths there, bedtime there.  Living with my husband there.  Seeing the improvements we make over time.  This is the hard part.

My mom is in town. She has been hard at work painting for me the last 4 days.  I can't wait to show you what she's done!  I'd be lost without her, my father-in-law, and my mother-in-law.  I asked my mom what she thought dad would be working on if he was still here with us.  She laughed and said, "probably whatever you told him to." I sure miss him at times like this. I know he would love our house, flaws and all, and would do anything he could to help us make it better.  This is the hard part.

The house looks worse than it did when we bought it because it truly is a construction zone right now.  We keep asking ourselves how we ended up in a total fixer upper when we have no time and very little money to make it the way we want it.  We can't keep beating ourselves up for our questionable decision making skills. We have to look to the future and realize how great this house WILL be one day.  This is the hard part.

I really do believe one day we will look back at these days fondly and admire the work that we did.  The love that our family shared with us throughout this process..  Their talent, their generosity, their time, their aching backs and knees, and the list goes on and on.  I just have to keep telling myself that it will be worth it. It won't always be like this.  This right here, this is the hard part.

xo,
~C~