mixed feelings

I've been trying to find the words to post but I don't know how to say what's been on my mind.  I've been having mixed feelings lately about so many things, it's like I cannot pinpoint what I want to do or how to feel about any one thing. 

I think we've decided to try and sell our house and move a little further south.  What I mean by that is 10 miles or so, not 350.  Just wanted to make that clear.  Ahem.  The thought of having a bigger house is exciting and we so need the space but so much is involved in moving.  We have outgrown this house, especially with the recent barrage of toys Theo received for Christmas. So with all of that, how do we keep our house show-ready?  If we can even get it show-ready, that is.

And if it doesn't sell quickly, I can't see keeping it on the market as my due date draws near.  The last thing I want is to be nine months pregnant running around with a swiffer and trying to keep things in a toy basket constantly.  Or worse, coming home from the hospital with a newborn and a 14 month old in tow while trying to get/keep the house show-ready.

I'm starting to get genuinely excited about this baby.  The fear is still there but I know what it is to give birth and sit in that hospital bed, staring down at this amazing creature that has been created out of love.  It took me longer to feel excited about this baby because of the overwhelming fear, but the excitement is brewing for sure.  I still have moments when Theo is all we can manage together and I ask myself what we'll do with two of these, but all in all, I know that one day I will not be able to imagine having it any other way.

Tomorrow is the big day.  The 20 week ultrasound and doctor's appointment.  It's the day when most couples find out the gender of their baby.  It's the halfway point in the pregnancy.  It's definitely the point at which there is no returning to non-pregnant clothes.  I suspect people will be looking at me curiously when they see my belly ... right next to my hip, which is carrying my almost 10 month old baby. 

We have decided not to find out the gender of our baby this time.  Unless the ultrasound tech slips or I am miraculously able to see something I'm not wishing to see on the ultrasound screen, we will be waiting until May.  I know that this is what I want to do, but I still have moments where I think that it would be easier to just know.  Sometimes I think this baby is a girl because the pregnancy has been so very different.  Sometimes I am certain it's a boy, but for no particular reason.  It's just something I can envision.  I have pictured myself lying on the operating table and in the labor and delivery room.  I have pictured the doctor saying "it's a boy" or "it's a girl," and either way I'm smiling.  What makes me smile more though, is picturing my husband to be the one to tell me "it's a boy" or "it's a girl."  I think we ought to work that into our "birth plan," for what those are worth.

I hate winter.  Hate, hate, hate, hate winter.  But for once I am in no hurry for Spring to get here.  I want to take my time and enjoy what little 1:1 time I have left with my baby boy.  I want to resolve our house issues.  We just don't have enough time to do everything.  I'd love to take a trip before we have another newborn.  I don't see that happening at all.  Time is slipping away so fast.  I'm 30 now and every year goes by faster than the one before.  Maybe having kids younger would have been better because each year that passes wouldn't be such a small part of my life.  But at the same time, I don't think I had the maturity to handle all the challenges.  Not to say that I'm sailing through, but I definitely feel like motherhood is something I can manage.  I got this.

This year was the very first new year that I slept through the chiming of the clock and the dropping of the ball since I was a child too young to know what the New Year meant.  I'm not sure how to feel about that.  Old, I guess.  Something about chasing a baby all day will wear you out.  I made it til 11:45 then woke to a kiss on the forehead from my Boo at about 12:15.  Auld lang syne are the days of partying til the cows come home. 

It will be interesting to look back a year from now and see how 2011 has treated my family.

cheers -
~C~