mama's crazy

*Disclaimer: I wrote this blog post when I was about 8 weeks along and I am VERY happy to say that these dark days have passed (fore the most part, I think) and my mood is much improved! Don't be scared of me... I'm still blaming it on those out-of-control, first-trimester hormones!

This familiar experience has become a new experience altogether.  I don't know if it's because my life has so drastically changed since my first pregnancy, or because the situation is different, or if it has something to do with the hormones, but I'm crazy.  Certifiably crazy.  I say it's the hormones.  That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I've noticed with this pregnancy that my temper is shorter, I'm more easily annoyed, and I feel grumpier in general.  I remember when I was about this far along with Theo, his papa told me that he'd heard horror stories from men about their pregnant wives due to the hormones and mood swings.  We tossed our heads back and laughed hearty laughs as the wind blew threw our perfectly styled hair and birds chirped around us on a sunny Spring day as we rolled around and kissed in a field of clover. 

I think we have officially left the meadow and have made it to the darkest of the dreary dungeons.  Those birds we heard are actually bats.  And the clover kind of turned in to thistle.  I might have just turned into the woman those horror stories were written about. 

I'm grumpy.  There are times of happiness but in general, my mood has been kind of dour. 

I get annoyed easily and sometimes I feel like ever fiber of every organ inside of me is screaming "go away!" at whatever or whomever is irritating me at the moment. 

There have been a couple of times when Theo would not stop crying when I just had to hand him off to his dad before I screamed something inappropriate. 

There was one time when I had to walk away from Theo's dad before I screamed something inappropriate at him.  I don't remember what the argument was about, but even at the time I knew it was ridiculous and I felt that there was nothing I could do to control my emotions. This is just not me.

Obviously I have controlled my emotions and when I say I had to walk away, I don't mean that I was going to harm anyone if I didn't.  It's just that at that moment, my nerves were so frayed that I had to step away and take a breath. 

So, since I didn't experience any of this with Theo, I'm wondering if this baby could be a girl?  All those extra hormones?

Or is this craziness due to the fact that this pregnancy was unplanned and has got me beyond stressed?  Or because I already have a baby and am sleep-deprived as it is (thank you third shift and baby and pregnancy)?  Because I have little to no down time to recover from the daily stresses that add up over time? 

I. Just. Don't. Know.  But I know that I don't like myself very much when I am crazy. 

~C~